|Review:||Penelope Inkwell says:|
Wow! I like this even better than I remembered. I’m always a sucker for a redeemed Draco, and I am already a fan of your version. Still prickly, still arrogant, but at least working for the right team, nowadays. And Anaxanandra! She’s great! I’m assuming they’re a potential pairing (I should really go read the summary--it’s been ages and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten). Draco needs someone who can be as stubborn and frustrating as he is, and that girl’s got spunk. I already like her tremendously.
Sounds like she comes from a family of an interesting profession. Part of me is going all Hermione at the idea of the unsanctioned killing of magical beings, so I’m interested to see if Anaxanandra’s parents were really performing a useful service or were extremists. Either way, their death (and that of Anaxanandra’s brother and sister) is just awful.
You do a very good job with dialogue. It sounds snappy and realistic and entertaining. And as for the mystery element, i’m definitely hooked. I’ve already taken a shine to both MCs--that’s some good work for a second chapter, girl! It really flowed well, and I enjoyed it immensely.
Actually, this story reminds me a bit of mine (a tiny bit). Different styles and all, but my second chapter also involves a report from Epping Forest, and an interrogation by Draco Malfoy (of a potential love interest, who also gives him some trouble). In reality, they’re small similarities, but it makes me smile all the same. It’s like running into a distant cousin or something--totally different from you, but with enough common background to have things to laugh at. I don’t know; it’s just cool. :D
As far as constructive criticism goes, I’m very picky, but I’ll have you know that I did have to hunt. This read very smoothly--you’ve done an excellent job in writing and editing. Here’s what I did note:
"Maybe what they say is true: old habits die hard.”
--The tense changes here from past to present, and it distracts a bit. It might be better to have it as, “Maybe what they said was true: old habits did die hard,” just to keep the flow going.
"He was never personally approached by his boss, who quite blatantly, looked like it brought him pain to be talking to Draco.”
--I think it might be better to replace “blatantly” with “frankly”. They are synonyms, but “blatant” isn’t quite as correct in this context. Or, maybe, “He was never personally approached by his boss, who was quite blatantly despised Draco, and had never pretended otherwise.”
"The need for a more stable and less shaky relationship with his boss and his need for a change of scenery gave Draco the strength to give in and do what Gawain had asked of him.”
--I think this gets a bit wordy. “More stable” and “less shaky” mean the same thing, anyway, so I would suggest cutting the latter and rearranging. Maybe something like, “The need for a more stable relationship with his boss, as well as a desire for a change of scenery, persuaded Draco to give in and do what Gawain had asked of him.”
"Always be weary of strangers, no matter who they are.”
--“weary” ought to be “wary”. Also (and this is really nitpicky), maybe saying “no matter who they claimed to be,” would convey your idea a bit better, since the point is that she doesn’t actually know who a stranger might be.
I had to really look to find things to pick at, though. I do CC as a rule, but you didn’t make it easy. ; ) You’ve done a really good job with this. Oh, and whenever I give suggestions, it’s not that I’m saying you should use my words (I mean, you’re welcome to, if you like). But I just prefer when people give examples along with their suggestions; I find it more helpful. However, if it offends you or anything, or you prefer a different format of CC, please let me know! There’s no point to it if it doesn’t help you, and everyone’s different.
Also, I don’t know if you’re British or not, but if you aren’t then you’ve done a good job of sounding British. At least by my American standards. Great job, overall. I’m excited to read more (including those under-reviewed later chapters).
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the CC!! I'm trying to do some major editing, because my earlier chapters were written when I had no idea about my writing style and what was proper. Hopefully you didn't read on yet!
I really strive to make good characters so I'm happy that you like both my Draco and Anaxandra :) They are my potential pairing, so look out for that when the time comes :)
Again thank you for reviewing. You had awesome CC that will help me so much in my writing!