Hello! So it turns out that I already had read the first chapter of this back in 2012! So I re-read it before going to chapter 2. Gotta know what happens!
Barty here just...I don't know. He makes me feel a bit uneasy. To me, he's acting like this obnoxious child, asking very silly questions but questions that speak the truth. I had to do some digging real quick to get a time frame of the ages...since Sirius is still in "good" terms with his family, he's 15 or younger, right? And Barty is 3 years younger so pre-teen to early teen years? The reason I ask is because for some odd reason, when reading Marauder fics my brain tends to imagine them older...like 17+.
"Where are you going?"a quiet voice interrupts their conversation, and they both turn quickly, guiltily, Sirius forgetting about the clumps of dust still sticking to his robes and fingers, to see Regulus standing in the doorway.
Feels like a bit of a mouthful and a it breaks the flow you had. Perhaps breaking it down a bit might help. Something like:
"Where are you going?" a quiet voice interrupts their conversation. They both turn quickly, Sirius forgetting about the clumps of dust still sticking to his robes and fingers, feels guilty to see Regulus standing in the doorway.
Just a thought. :)
A cynical voice in the back of his head (which, when it shows up, he likes to call 'Remus') That line just made me laugh!! Love it.
Oh hey, Sirius is 16! Making Barty about 13 here. Hmmm...
Whoa, did Bellatrix kill her own father? Well...she IS indeed crazy enough to do it! But why though? Or maybe it wasn't her! Dun dundun!
The only small CC that I have is that Sirius doesn't feel 16 to me. I guess it's because I haven't been a teenager for a long time that I have forgotten...but he feels like he has a young way of thinking. His way of acting and feelings towards his family is the dead ringer. By this age he hates his family and their way of thinking, rebels in every way and eventually he runs away to the Potters. So him even trying to get the tiny approval from them by going to pay his respects feels a bit off. no one would fault him for it and it might even gain him some kind of grudging acceptance that he was. you know, still part of the family despite being a Gryffindor and all."
That's just my opinion though!
Alright, this review has gone long enough! Thank you so much for the swap! I appreciate it!
Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks so much for the swap - it was really great and I really enjoyed it! :)
Yeah, sorry, it's perhaps a little unclear! In this, Sirius is 16, Regulus is 14 and Barty (I manipulated his age a little, since we're never given an exact year/age, only an approximation) is 14/15, too, so he's in the same year as Regulus. Hope that clears things up for you!
But yes, Barty is pretty young - definitely seems younger than the others.
Ah, yeah, thanks for pointing out! I'll definitely take a look at that sentence and see about re-arranging it - you're right it definitely is a mouthful!
Hehe, I did like that line, too! But hey, I imagine it would be true, lol.
Bellatrix is definitely crazy enough to do it - though she's not quite so crazy here. Starting on the crazy wagon, so to speak :P But yeah, who knows? ;)
It's fine! I thought a lot before writing this about Sirius' character, and his family and things, so it's all pretty developed in my head. Teenagers often think they're very mature (I was one not that long ago, so I remember pretty clearly! :P) but they're not, so Sirius is like that. He thinks he's very grown-up, but he is still a child. I based a lot of Sirius' relationships with his family on the experiences my mum has had with her family. So, I think he doesn't like them, doesn't like their views, but they're still people (particularly his grandfather, and to an extent his father) he looked up to when he was young, and at 16 he still really needs a family, and he wants to be complimented and not outcast, because no one really enjoys that, you know? It's a very different characterisation of Sirius, I know, but I thought about it a lot and this was what seemed sort of best to me.
Thank you so much for the great review and the swap - it was so much fun to do! :)