|Review:||Penelope Inkwell says:|
Hi Ashwini! Penny here for the review swap. It’s nice to meet you :D
I can tell you’ve really put the time and effort in, as far as creating your scene goes. From your descriptions, I felt like you were really seeing a clear view of the whole thing in your head.
I think your explanations of why Krum was so attracted to Hermione and why she was so special are perfect. You really make a good point. Reading the books, it’s so easy to just write off his attraction as a minor thing, but I suppose it wouldn’t have been minor to him. It really makes me feel for Viktor. I always rather liked him, come to think of it.
By the way, I support your not using an accent for Krum. That would be hard to write for every single sentence of a story. Besides, it’s been several years now that he’s been involved in competitive Quidditch, and he may have had more reasons to use English in the international sphere than he would have as a student at Durmstrang. It’s reasonable to believe that his accent might have softened as his English improved. Also, the HP books were told from Harry’s perspective, and of course he’d hear Viktor’s words as being noticeably different, but Viktor himself wouldn’t think that way, and this is his story, after all. Anyway, I think it makes sense. Stumbling over a word on occasion might make sense, but an accent the whole time? I think you made a smart decision. :D
That first paragraph looks a bit daunting, large as it is. It’s the normal way to write, of course, since that’s the style in which most books are written. However, I’ve noticed that on HPFF people seem to prefer a more broken-up format, and large chunks of text--especially right at the beginning--tend to scare them off. So, while there’s certainly nothing incorrect about it, it might be helpful to your readers to split the longer paragraphs up.
Most of my constructive criticism would be grammatical/mechanical. There are a few moments in the opening scene where I get distracted by small grammar mistakes. Pleeease don’t feel bad about that. I am a horrible grammar nazi. Like, combine Grammar Nazi and ADHD and you have me. “Lalalalala, reading, reading, OH, A COMMA SPLICE!” It’s like my version of, “Oh, look, a squirrel!” But, moving on...
The chapter could use more commas (I, for one, always use too many. It’s hard to balance those out). Also, when you add “like” to another word, I believe there’s supposed to be a dash between them. For example, “pitcher like” should be “pitcher-like”. At least, that’s how I think it’s meant to work.
“Ron remembered with a jolt that Krum hadn’t played really nice in the World Cup.”
--This sentence doesn’t quite work grammatically. “Krum hadn’t played very well” might be better. Or, grammar could be ignored if it was a repetition of Ron’s actual compliment. Like:
- “‘I saw you at the world cup,’ he said a bit roughly, ‘you were-um-really good.’ Krum finally turned his eyes to Ron and frowned. Ron remembered with a jolt that Krum hadn’t played “really good” in the World Cup.”
The next big paragraph, is, I think, a little bit of a show-and-tell kind of thing. I think that your story and character development would be a lot better if, instead of just offering all this information up front, you made us work for it a little bit. Hint at it, and reveal tidbits over time rather than just straight-up telling us. So maybe say something like,
“Viktor Krum had never truly experienced love. His parents were never much concerned with their flesh-and-blood child. So long as the blood in question was pure, that was enough for them. And his fans were in love with a person that didn’t exist, had never existed. All those girls who pored over images of the famous Viktor Krum, who had memorised his favorite color, favorite broomstick, and how he took his tea, who screamed ‘We love you, Viktor‘ over the rest of the roaring crowd, they were liars. They didn’t like him; they liked his game and his fame.” --I really like that last sentence by the way (that one was all yours).
Anyway, that tells you certain things about him, but leaves the details of his estrangement from his family to be discovered later. And it sets up why Hermione was so different, which you explain perfectly. By the way, I’m not implying that these should be sentences you insert into your story. I just always prefer when people give me specific advice, and explain what they mean by adding examples to their suggestions.
Overall, I think you have a very sympathetic main character that readers will really enjoy. You’ve done a good job with Krum. I’m certainly wondering what the plan is, and what kind of girl his romantic interest might be! She’d have to be very special. That’s for sure. Thanks for the review swap. I had fun!
Author's Response: Hey Penny! :D
Yeah, the scene was well planned by me and I had everything pictured in my mind. :) I always do that before I write anything, otherwise the descriptions seem rather dull or something. I'm glad you could tell that though!
Thanks! I always thought Viktor wasn't just attracted to Hermione but was very serious about her. Hermione was never attractive kind of girl so it seemed rather off that he was just flirting with her. And the way Viktor was characterized in GoF sort of made me think that his sulky behaviour had roots in his family background and his female fans. Hermione wasn't a big fan of his, was she?
Actually, I was worried about exactly the same thing today and had also PM'd one of my friends to ask if the absence of the accent seems odd, so I want to hug you for saying that I made a smart choice. :) That was certainly a relief to me!
Yeah, I just figured out it is a bit too long and it seems rather hard to read... As for the constructive criticism, I absoulutely don't mind it. In fact I feel it is the best thing about reviews. And I'm still a little weak in punctuation and I'm never sure about commas, so thanks for pointing that out!
I did like your suggestion... It kind of makes sense that it suits the whole thing better. No, I won't be copying your words, but please don't mind if I steal a bit from it! :P I liked the idea of giving examples while reviewing, so I might end up steeling that too. ;)
I know Viktor is a sympathetic main character and I've chosen him because no one gives him the sympathy he deserves! So this story has been written to assure everyone wondering what became of him that he was happy and he indeed found someone else. :)
Do come back to meet Amy, my OC! She's very different than what you may have in mind.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! You really made my day! :D