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Review:MC_HK says:
Hello! It's been a while, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything from the previous review!

Areas of concern:
-I see lots of areas that could use commas. They will help in breaking up your sentences a bit, as they are currently very run-on. There are also a few punctuation errors that need to be addressed.

-The characters you have are very good, and I enjoy the personalities you give them. Terry the Creep really was creepy O_O

-The flow was alright, but due to the run-on sentences and punctuation in the wrong areas, it seemed a little monotonous. This can be easily fixed though, don't worry.

Things worth mentioning:
-"...which did a good job of covering up my cleavage which was very much on show." You have 'which' twice in the same sentence, and it sounds really repetitive and the sentence in itself is run-on. When you mention that there is cleavage to be seen, you already imply that it's 'out there'. It's not something that could be subtle. So if you just take out the last part, then the sentence would be better. You also do this same thing with the word 'bit' later on in the chapter, and it might not seem like it but it's something that could make a reader stumble over what they're reading or even drive them off. Repetition is not really favored much (in my opinion.)

-I noticed some minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Like, you use "pray" instead of "prey." There are more, but I'm sure you could comb through carefully to find those. I also noticed a handful of missing words.

-This kind of ties into repetition. There's one point where you say that Terry sees Alyssa and calls her name, then in the next paragraph he is actually calling her name. This is redundant, and you can probably take out the part where you say he calls her name.

-"Terry went for steak with chips, plus a side of chips..." I don't know if you meant to put chips twice, but if you did you might want to add that he ordered an additional side of chips.

-"I had eaten my burger because I was starving and plus eating didn't seem to stop him." Goodness, I noticed how rude I must sound, and I'm so sorry. It's not my intention at all. But I would consider removing this sentence or modifying it, only because they are at dinner and she's meant to eat her food.

-"...A) I was getting cold and B) it would stop..." I would like to mention that this kind of change of format is kind of awkward and unnecessary. Although you're telling it from a first person POV it's passable, but I'm just letting you know that in my opinion, it's a bit awkward. If you took the A) and B) out, then you still have a perfectly good sentence.

-"Memories, isn't it." This is kind of a confusing sentence. I suggest modifying it to be clearer, like, "Memories, for when we're old and grey."

Overall, a good, well-rounded chapter :) I enjoyed it!

--Monica

Author's Response: Hi,

It's fine and sorry I've taken ages to reply.

I think now that I have a beta and I've re-read and most of these have been sorted. I've yet to edit this chapter on here yet.

It's fine honestly and thank you so, so much I'll get around to going over and fixing things!

-Potterfan310
Soph :)


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