Hello! Sorry this took so long!
Areas of Concern:
-My thoughts on the group's different POV is that I can see why you want to do it, but for me personally I didn't want it to be the first chapter I read. I like to have a chapter with one POV change maximum, usually. I can't really say specifically why it put me off, probably because I like consistency, though. It has absolutely nothing to do with your writing. Your writing is great. I think it's just with how many POV changes there are it kind of shakes me up.
-I love love love your Marauders! They are very realistic, and I love how realistic you make the other characters as well. That whole smoking scene totally seemed appropriate, considering what era it was, and I liked the way they interacted!
-It seems pretty smooth to me. I have no problem getting through it.
-I'm not seeing any punctuation or grammar mistakes, and I do think you've got a good start here that will hook your readers in!
The only thing I suggest is to limit your adverbs. You can keep some of them in there, but there are some that I didn't feel needed to be in there. For instance : "muttered meekly" meekly doesn't necessarily have to be in there. Muttered already implies that it's kind of soft and submissive. If it weren't he would have grumbled, or groaned. Those verbs already have a specific meaning attached to them, so putting in adverbs is kind of repetitive.
Hope this helped!
Author's Response: No worries, you didn't take long at all!
Ok, this is review so helpful, you don't even know. I always wondered if the first chapter was too much - most people read it and say "Omg, love it" but no one has specifically said "I don't like it, it's too much".
I wanted to start the fic off with all 4 Marauders because I know I write them differently than most. I like to think they're all still canon, but for instance, I wanted to showcase Peter at the end to write the start of his betrayal. But I have been second guessing myself about starting everything off with a group one, mostly because it messes up the order of everything - the fic relies on having 4 individual chapters, followed by a group one and gender POV change. But it is also a lot of information to start off with, so thank you for saying there are too many POV changes. When I'm done writing this whole saga, I may go back and edit things, so this is going on my list.
I'm happy you like my Marauders! As I said, I know they are not exactly canon, but I still think they're fun and different. And omg, it has been so fun for me to research the 1970s to make the era feel right. So yay!
I definitely need to limit my adverbs, you are SO right. When I'm in the middle of editing chapters, I usually come across of "ly" words and think, hmmm, maybe should cut a few out. So it sounds like I should do the same of the first chapter as well XD
This helped so so so much, thanks again Monica!