Hey, Sophie! I'm here again!
This was an interesting chapter! We can definitely tell that Alyssa is starting to - and unwillingly - become interested in Al, hehe :p
However, I did notice quite a few grammatical errors which did pull me out of the story slightly.
This is actually a spelling error but 'cracken' should be spelt as 'kraken'. I did have to look that up though because it's such a weird word. I always hear it said but I never actually knew what it was, ahaha! :p
Her speech about being nineteen is EXACTLY what I say! It's such an awkward age! It's just there. :p But, there should be a question mark at the end of the first sentence: What's so exciting about turning nineteen.
It should be: What's so exciting about turning nineteen? as it is a question.
This too should have a question mark: Huh? What are you on about Lil.
It should be: Huh? What are you on about, Lil?
This also needs a question mark: Hey Al wanna come to my birthday party.
It should be: Hey, Al, wanna come to my birthday party?
The 'he' should be in lower case letters in this sentence: "What is it Lyss? Have I grown an extra head or something?" He asked
Like: "What is it, Lyss? Have I grown an extra head or something?" he asked
Also, a comma should go before someone's name. I'll use this sentence as an example:
You were staring at Al Lyss.
The comma should go after Al as he is currently the subject. So it should be like:
You were staring at Al, Lyss.
I've noticed that quite a few of those commas are missing and because I'm a grammar nut, it does detract me from the story a bit.
This is also incorrect: ...sliding down it until I hit the floor, "Ow." I moaned softly...
It should be: ...sliding down it until I hit the floor. "Ow," I moaned softly...
The comma is at the end of the dialogue if it is followed by '(s)he/they said' or something similar. But if it was phrased like this: I moaned softly, "Ow." it ends in a full stop as there is no more speech.
Also, the last sentence: Oh crap, what have I got myself into. should have a question mark on the end because she's asking herself a question.
Anyway, you also asked about the new characters.
First of all, where can I get a friend like Ayli? :p I want a friend that bribes me with shoes and is able to design her (and my) own clothes! :p I have to say, that's a very unique profession, especially in fanfiction so props for creativity!
Also, can I just say I love the name Niamh? It's so nice to look at! :p
And I definitely agree with Dom! Strippers should always come to a party! ;)
Speaking of, Dom seems like a fun character! We don't know much about her yet but I think she's going to be good!
Rose seems very straight-laced but she still seems very sweet. Her heart seems to be in the right spot.
And Caleb sounds like heaps of fun! And again, I like the creativity with the professions! I feel like a lot of fanfiction authors seem to think that there are only three jobs in the world: Aurors, Healers and Ministry workers, hehe :p Not that it's bad having characters work there, it can just get a bit tiring.
Also, what does Alyssa do? It said that she worked at night but didn't say her actual job - unless I missed that?
Oh and the shirtless scene sounded like fun ;) Just like a movie where the boys next door reveal their beautiful bodies, ehehe ;)
Anyway, I hope this wasn't too harsh but I really enjoyed this chapter! I'm enjoying the whole story, actually!
Feel free to request again - on this story or any other story!
- Kayla :)
(Also, sorry about the essay! :p)
Author's Response: Hey, (Essay's are good!)
Alyssa is definitely starting to gets some heart pings and flutters no matter how much she wants to deny it.
Damn I've done it again, Thank you for pointing those out. I'll be sure to change them before sending this chapter off to my beta.
I think Nineteen is certainly an awkward age I mean you can pretty do much whatever you could at eighteen. You just feel that bit older.
Ayli is soo fun to write! I was trying to think of how she would manage to get the shoes to bribe Lyss with and then I was like she could be a fashion designer along with her mother who runs a shop.
I love Irish accents and considering Ayli is Seamus' daughter I thought it fitting that he would have married an Irish woman from back home.
Dom has good ideas :p Strippers and parties are a must. She's a lot like Ayli but she has a slightly wicked side to her.
You got Rose in one :) She's straight laced and the mother of the group, so she tries to keep the others in line.
Caleb's great, he's so fun to write as well. Him and Ayli together are like two little children who have eaten too many sweets :p I wanted it to be different and as this lot as still young I didn't really want them to anything heavy.
I've written that in but I've yet to edit. Alyssa works in a pub as a barmaid as her uncle is a close friend to the owner. She's worked there since she turned eighteen.
Oh yes, think of that moment when the guy in the 'Call Me Maybe' song video does it ;) Plus their both Potters.
Nope not at all and thank you once again for pointing the grammar stuff out as it is so to my strong point.