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Review:Akussa says:

Well this is an interesting opening chapter. I like the idea and the way you present it, through one of the follower (although he is quite reluctant). Many questions are left open and it will be interesting to read how you fill in the blanks.

I thought the pace of the story was a bit hard to read to be honnest. Because of the many breaks and numerous defferent scenes, it does not flow all that great. Maybe you could work on the transitions between the scenes, just to smooth it a bit.

I also noticed two things that I want to point out. These are my opinions though and you do what you want with it!!

When talking about Lucius, you describe him as being in his old age. He's probably around 60 (was a Prefect when the Marauders started school) and we know wizards can live much longer than muggles (Dumbledore was twice as old and still very sharp). I think it would work better if you implied that he was sick or on his death bed because of a debilitating illness.

Also, you write that Vincent Crabbe is present to meet the new lord but he died in the fire of the Room of Requierement, during the war.

Other that that, I enjoyed this chapter and I'm interested in knowing how this will turn out. I liked Scorpius quite a lot, he sounds like a fun little boy and it will be nice to see where he'll end up and if he'll befriend the Lord's son!!!

Good job overall!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on the transitions between scenes.

At the time I wrote this I wasn't really that great a writer (the first chapter is taken from another story from years ago) so both the old age thing and the Crabbe thing are me being silly and then not double-checking.


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