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Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hello! I'm back to review the second chapter, as per your request. :)

So I think it's worth mentioning that while I was reading the part about Charlotte's paintings of the Lupin family, "Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey came on my Spotify. It really seemed to fit, and it made me feel really sad. I thought it was a good combination of music and excellent writing. :)

This chapter was really, really good. I'm so glad that I got to see how Dennis was in his old age--he seems like quite the character! And you know, I must confess that I got totally mixed up and thought that Victoire was older, but then I remembered, "Duuh, she wasn't even born when the Battle happened!" I don't know what was wrong with my brain. :D

The M.O.O.N.Y. organization is so, so fitting. I thought it was an incredibly creative and thoughtful name and cause for a magical charity. And I'm glad that Victoire decided to write the book about the Battle of Hogwarts and dedicate it to remembering everyone who died. It was a perfect way for her to meet Dennis, I think!

There are a few things that I noticed, typo-wise:

"Luckily, I was there when he died. I was there, and the kids."~I just think that the second sentence could be either combined with the first or written a little more cohesively. Maybe "Luckily, the kids and I were there when he died." Just to combine them and make things less choppy. :)

"There were paper that I needed to sign, which Charlotte and Remus handled for me."~I think that "paper" should be "papers." Minor detail!

"Flabberghasted, I quickly Floo'd to the Library, where I realised that the type of book I was looking for didn't appear to exist."~I don't know if you use UK English or American English, but as far as I know, "Flabberghasted" should actually be spelled "Flabbergasted."

"A year and a half after we met, my book, which I titled simply The Second of May, was accepted for publication."~Okay, the underline on the book title didn't show up in the review (I copied and pasted for ease of typing), but instead of being underlined, it should actually be italicized.

"Teddy made me feel safe, while Dennis forced me to take risks. Dennis acted like a child, and made me feel young again. Teddy drew me in with his cool maturity. Teddy gave me a simple proposal, while Dennis gave me lavish one."~Just a syntactical thing--Because the pattern in this paragraph seems to be Teddy-Dennis, past-present, it would be syntactically neat to put "Teddy drew me in with his cool maturity." before "Dennis acted like a child and made me feel young again." Just a suggestion! Also, you could probably take out the comma after "child" in the Dennis sentence. :)

The only thing that was a little odd to me as far as the plot went was how quickly Victoire and Dennis' relationship seemed to progress. I totally understand that it probably happened more quickly than Victoire and Teddy's did, but it seemed a bit glossed over until the part about the restaurant. But never fear--the only reason that I'm mentioning it is because I would like to know more about what caused the attraction between them! However, I understand that if you wrote the entirety of their relationship in this chapter, it would be a mammoth chapter, and nobody wants that. :)

Also, I would really like to know what disease Teddy and Arabella had! Will it come to light in the next chapter? Is it a Muggle disease or a magical one? What was it?!

Great chapter! :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much!
I can't say I've ever heard that song, I'll have to listen to it!

I'm glad you liked MOONY because that seriously took SO much time to figure out. And it wasn't even really needed for the plot... I'm just stubborn.

Ahhh, thank you so much for pointing out all that stuff. I really appreciate that you took the time to say exactly where I made mistakes rather than just "there were a few mistakes here and there".

I do agree that the progression of relationship could've had more substance. They knew each other for about a year and a half before dinner (the same amount of time it took her to finish the book)

Okay, honestly... I don't know what killed them. Basically, the wizard equivalent of cancer. You know, just something that kills a lot of people and as normal as it is, it's still awful. I didn't want to make up something though because I felt like I'd be trivializing cancer, and I didn't want to do that.

Thanks for such a thorough review! It really enjoyed it.


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