Hello, there! So, when I saw that this was an Albus/Gellert, I simply had to stop by - genuinely, I couldn't have simply wandered past - and check it out. I adore them to bits! :)
I really like this! Obviously this is more of a prologue-y sort of chapter, really, than an action packed one, but I like that and I think it fits with the time, you know? Their mother's only recently died, things aren't quite as tense/difficult as they get later on... this is, in essence, almost the calm before the storm, in a way, for all of them.
I loved the way you wrote both Albus and Aberforth. Albus is such a difficult character to write in general, and in particular when he's young because, gah, he's just Albus, you know? He has a distinct manner and way of speaking, and it's tough to do... so I think you've done so, so well with him. You could have taken away his name and I would still have known exactly who he was from the beginning, pretty much.
I think, however, that your Aberforth is brilliant, too. We don't hear all that much about him in the books, other than that he was closer to Ariana than Albus was, was a member of the Order, saved Harry's life, looked after Dobby and kept goats... that's not that much to go on, but I think you've really taken him as a character and made him your own and developed him further. I like how he seems to consider himself as Ariana's primary carer, and not Albus, and is so loyal and devoted to her that he'd sell goat's milk in order to look after her. You've really shown the differences between them, setting it up really nicely for fireworks later on ;)
One thing - at the beginning, you'll do better at creating tension or fear or the idea of being chased if you use short, snappy sentences. Yours at the moment are a bit too long, really, and take away from the feeling, I think. Also, be sure to try and keep references to objects, clothes, styles, etc. in keeping with the period - 'pictures', in frames or not, would have been called 'photographs' then ;)
I'm so curious about where you go with this, how you take it and how your characters develop. Obviously we know the ending, but so far this is really good and interesting, and I'd love to know how you spin it out from here! Really, really good start! :)
Author's Response: I'm glad you like them! I've seen a lot of people who don't like to read about Albus Dumbledore when he was younger, or with someone. I'm glad you stopped by!
Yes, this was my test run/character development chapter to make sure I could actually pull off the story. Haha. Though I did try to make it as appealing as possible, it was mostly exposition.
Oh wow! I'm so happy you think I did a good job on Albus! He was definitely the scariest prospect, but I found once I actually got to it, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. haha. Aberforth was just natural, which I found to be a little odd.
You're right! Thank you for pointing that out. I'll have to go and edit it.
Actually, it's AU, for the What If Challenge, and my prompt was "What if Ariana never died," so we don't know how it will end. *creepy music* Haha. Thank you so much for the swap, I'm really glad you liked it.
Until next time! RHJ