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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there - stopping by with your requested review! Sorry it's taken me so long to get here - I was hoping to get here earlier, but I've been incredibly busy lately, so unfortunately my review thread has suffered a bit. I'm here now, though! :)

I really enjoyed this story, as well! While I don't tend to read Next Gen Quidditch stories on my own, I really liked this one! It had the right amount of action/teasing information in this for a prologue and was about just the right length for one, too. So a good start ;)

One thing I'd mention, speaking of beginnings, is that you might want to take another look at your first two paragraphs. I think you could improve them, tbh, and make them a bit more attention-grabbing. Perhaps instead of saying she was sitting on her bed, going over Quidditch tactics, maybe describe what she's doing a bit more, say if she's feeling stressed or tired or something? I think it just needs to be a bit more fleshed out, if you know what I mean :)

I love Charlie as a character, though. I love how you've given her a fairly common name and a pretty normal nickname, and an ordinary hair colour and things. Well away from Mary Sue territory! ;) I like how she's not necessarily the most social of people, sporty but not brilliant and so has to really work at it, has friends but doesn't tend to date. It's a really good premise and a nice change to see an OC who isn't brilliant at Quidditch! ;) The only thing I'd say is is it really relevant to the story for her to be Head Girl? Is she particularly clever/has enough time to dedicate to doing both jobs, since both would take up quite a bit of time? It seems a bit much to me for her to be doing both, tbh.

I liked the scene with Al and Scorpius as well. It was a nice little interlude, and it worked really well in the prologue, to set it up - teasing us with the possibility of Charlie/Al romance!

The main thing I would say about this, in terms of improvement, is that in a lot of your description and things you tend to write short, one-clause sentences and often starting with the same word, eg. 'she'. I'd recommend trying to follow the rule of only starting one sentence in any given paragraph with the a particular word (so you can only use 'she' once in a paragraph, for example), and combining short sentences together. For example, 'This girl is way out of your league! But I know you'll just love her!' can be combined to make 'This girl is way out of your league, but I know you'll just love her'. It'll improve the flow of the chapter ;)

Honestly, though, even with those little technical things, this is a really good start! Your characters are all pretty strong so far, your plot's good and off well, it works really well as a prologue... I like it! :)

Feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, thanks so much! That was an amazing review, so I'm really sorry it took so long to respond. I haven't been on here much since school started again after winter break, and now that I'm on a snow day, I figured I should check out what's going on! So, yeah, I know what you mean about being super busy. D:

Anyway, this was a super-helpful review. I agree with everything you said, including the part about the head girl thing. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I think you're right. I should probably omit that part, just because, as I'm sure you can probably already tell, this is a story that revolves almost completely around Quidditch. The only non-Quidditch thing in this story is Charlie's friend Olivia. So, yeah, I'll probably go back and get rid of that part. I may just make her a prefect, because I still want it to be known that she's a "good kid with good grades" kind of person.

I've already started editing, using your comments, so thanks so much for this review! It was perfect in every way. :D

~Smit


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