Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread :)
Okay firstly, I just have to say that you've seemed to misplace a few of your commas. For example:
...my room had started to spin, "ALYSSA!" My mother yelled again. - this should be ...my room had started to spin. "ALYSSA!" my mother yelled again.
...faint I stood up warily, "Coming mum." I called back... - and this should be ...faint I stood up warily. "Coming, Mum," I called back...
I remember that there's a good tutorial on the forums either by pennyardelle or WeasleyTwinMom about dialogue. I used to always get extremely confused but they make it so much clearer. It's actually one of my favourite topics, haha!
One thing also, generally if someone vomits when they're drunk, they usually don't feel so bad in the morning. I wasn't aware of this (as I haven't thrown up since 2006) because most of the alcohol leaves your system. They still feel a bit groggy but they're generally okay.
Unless she continued drinking then ignore me! :p
Also, a few times you've written 'ad ate' instead of 'a date' but they're just small typos that everyone makes :p
And you also spelt Apparating as 'appariting'. But that is the most annoying word to spell, I swear. :p
This is a pretty good first chapter but I must say I did get a bit confused with all the characters. I felt like I got a bit overwhelmed with all the information. I think you can keep the same amount of characters but maybe go slower when describing them? The first time I read this I nearly missed Adriana and then when Alyssa was talking about 'Ade' I got very confused until I reread it.
Okay this may be a personal preference but I feel like the nicknames were too much. I generally don't like nicknames so I might be a little biased but you had a nickname for nearly every character. It just felt too forced sometimes?
So, your characters. I quite like Alyssa. She seems to be very snarky and sarcastic but she's still got a kind heart. Although, I think she's quite rude to Albus. He hasn't done anything to her (as far as I know) and she's acting a bit childish, in my opinion. I think she should have just been polite to Albus. I know if I haven't spoken to anyone in eight years I just suck it up and act very polite. It may be forced or something, but still! I'm sure her mother raised her better than that! :p
Speaking of, her mother sounds quite intense but it is believable! There ARE some crazy mothers out there that try and force their daughters to get a boyfriend and have children early on. I agree with Alyssa, though. She may as well have some fun while she can!
I really like Chloe! She seems like a really fun sister! She kind of reminds me of Lydia from the Lizzie Bennet Diaries! And she seems like a typical 17 year old, who thinks that her mum will go crazy if she finds out she has a boyfriend but in all honesty, her mum will probably go crazy because she tried to hide it from her. Honesty is always the best policy!
Hayden seems like the cutest kid ever! And you wrote his speech very well! I find that a lot of authors (including myself) find it very difficult to write a baby's (or toddler's) speech so kudos!
Oh, I should also talk about Albus. He seems interesting. Why is it all of a sudden he wants to talk to Alyssa? Has he got some ulterior motive? And I think it's a bit silly of him to ask to be friends with her. He should just invite her out to places, talk to her more often and then BAM! friendship happens! :p
Anywho, this was a great introductory chapter. You've engaged the audience and I will definitely want to read more!
Feel free to request again!
(Also sorry for the essay-length review! I can really go on sometimes! :s)
- Kayla :)
Author's Response: Hey, Kayla!
Gahh, grammar is so not my strong point and the comma and full stop being so close on a keyboard doesn't help either when you're typing fast :p Definitely think I might have to check that out when I'm on there next, thanks for the tip!
I didn't know that either but then when I drink I'm not normally sick which is why I probably feel so icky the next day. But yes after she was sick Alyssa continued drinking as she wanted to continue her sister's birthday celebrations.
Ooops, that's me and my fast typing I swear. :p And as for the apparating thing, you're right it has got to be one of the worst things to spell so thank you for the correct way!!
You're not the only one so don't worry :) But it's no wonder what with Alyssa, her four siblings, parents, nephew and the others! Slower is on the cards! I'm hoping that if someone picks this up to beta that they can help me out with it as well but for now, I shall try and work some magic on it :p
It's fine but I probably do use them for nearly all of the characters, I'm just used to nicknames for people I know so it's pretty much normal/a habit for me :)
Alyssa's especially fun to write! And yes deep down she has got a kind heart. As for her and the Albus thing, their story will probably come in later chapters (I think?) but anyway they were really close when they were younger until they went to Hogwarts and they got sorted into different houses as they had both planned on being in Gryffindor together, but Albus got put into Slytherin.
She was probably being childish and she knows it but he just irks her, but because they live next door to each other she sort of knows she can get away with it as there have been the occasional forced chats due to their mothers.
Haha, yes her mother is a little crazy! I'm with you and Alyssa on that, having fun while you still can.
I've never watched that but I think my face claim of Anna-Sophia Robb for one of my other stories plays the main role? I've only seen a pictures/gifs/screencaps. Any mother would probably go a little crazy but since she knows her mum isn't all that fond of Lorcan Chloe thinks it's best to keep it from her for now. Chloe's probably also the sibling that Alyssa is closest to, especially now that their elder sister Ade doesn't live with them anymore.
Hayden is adorable isn't he :) Thank you!! I have my own inspiration/guide in the form of my nephew, Hayden's speech is roughly based on the stuff he comes out with as Hayden is around the same sort of age.
Albus is interesting, it's not just a sudden thing and although it's not shown there has been the occasional conversation between them but it has been forced due to their mothers being around or if they are around friends, but that's more of a Hi/How are you/Bye sort of thing. Nope, no ulterior motive that I know of yet, he simply wants to be friends again because they're both out of school/more mature now. There were a few arguments shortly after they started their first year and their friendship fizzled (love that word :p) out, their only interactions being a smile or acknowledging each other when with friends. But the whole BAM friendship may be coming up so look out.
Thank you so, so much for the help!! And I think I'll definitely be re-requesting if you have the slots open.
An essay is always nice to read, especially when you didn't have to write it! Thanks again.