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Review:MC_HK says:

Areas of Concern:
-Alright, one of your concerns was general flow, and I agree with you. You have a couple of sentences that are kind of confusing to read. For example: "Ozymandias Stroulger had stood in that field, under that magical umbrella, on that day, and despite the weather Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood." I understand what you're trying to do with your writing, but sometimes simpler is better. It would be much smoother to read if it were: "Ozymandias Strougler, magical umbrella in hand, had stood in that field. Despite the weather, Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood." Just a simple rearranging of words can help immensely in readability and fluidity.

-I see nothing wrong with your character. He has a personality that is showing through, which is what you want. The only thing I suggest is to maybe try and bring it through a little more. What you have now is awesome, but adding that much more could make it perfect.

-It doesn't feel anticlimactic at all! I like it a lot, to be honest!

Some things I found worth mentioning:
-You throw in the word "had" in some areas that I find to be rather unnecessary. Such as, "she had said" after a quote. It's not needed here, and just saying "she said" would work much better and help the fluidity of your story.

-You've got some really good description skills. I mean, they are totally awesome. But I do feel like there are some things not really going into detail about. They're only small things, like the gloves being Dermagrip. That's not really a detail worth mentioning, at least in my opinion. Or even the hipster bit at the beginning I felt like was a bit much, and didn't really add to the story. I like that you mention his coat was on sale though, because that gives the reader a better look into who your character is, rather than telling your reader he thinks he's a hipster. Subtle details, in my opinion, are the best details :)

-I think you've got some good monologue going on with your character, and I urge to play on that strength! I like that some bits like: "A power nap, he liked to tell the other post-grads in the shared office, is vital for the mind!" are in there, and add so much to characterization! More of those details, and you're on your way to perfect characterization.

-I don't really think that you have to point out that there is a Part I and a Part II. A simple horizontal rule would split up the parts just fine :)

Sorry if this review sounded mean! I hope not :( I actually really do like the concept of this, and I really admire what you've done with it. I like the idea of there being a wizarding college and what they do there. This is really a good read, and I applaud you for your creativity! DEFINITELY re-request!


PS, do you play Dragon Age? You just mentioned blood magic, and I hope I'm not looking like a fool right now LOL

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review and for the suggested points of improvement, and no worries - you didn't sound mean ;) I wanted someone to let me know how I could improve it - If I'd wanted blind never-ending praise I would have gone to my sibling :p
I will look into the points you made ASAP, thank you very much :)!
And no, Im afraid I don™t know what dragon age is :p I just made up the blood magic thing...

Thank youuu!! :D

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