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Review:academica says:
Hello there, here for our review swap :)

One thing I would suggest right off the bat is that you start using the Simple Editor, if you aren't already. Doing so means that you have to put in your own bold/italics/centering and so forth, but it also gets rid of those really distracting gaps between paragraphs.

I thought your flow was pretty good for the most part in this chapter. I like how your OC carefully thought through the complex dynamics she observed in those around her, like the animosity between Draco and Ron and the way she didn't need to wear a mask because she was okay with who she really was. That last quality of hers makes her feel more relatable than most OCs.

I would maybe do something different with the outbursts and asides, though; it's kind of distracting to have your OC suddenly lose her temper and break the third wall.

Oh, and I love the idea of Game-Ception! Super creative, and I agree that it sounds a lot of fun.

One last note--you might consider getting a beta to work on this story for you, if you haven't already, because I saw multiple spelling mistakes and punctuation issues. Fixing those errors would make the flow even better, and you really want your opening chapter to impress people because then they want to read on in later chapters :)

Great job! Thanks for the swap!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!

I am still really annoyed about the paragraphs (my computer hates formatting nicely) so I am fixing it as you are reading this.

I am glad you like how the character is- my goal was to make her as real as possible. As for the outbursts and asides; I agree something should be done- I just feel like cutting them will cut the character. I also have a habit of breaking the third wall you see...

My computer really was the reason my spelling was all wrong- I am too reliant on spell check. I guess beta hunting would be a good idea considering I am too lazy to keep looking all this over so much. Thanks again Amanda!

XOXOXOXOX,
LLG


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