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Review:maraudertimes says:
Hello!
This was a very nice first chapter, although there are a few things I would like to address.

First, the chapter title didn't seem very intriguing. Second, the chapter itself lent itself way too much to the title. Long explanations about the background of the character and their friends tend to get tedious.

That said, I think learning about Eilley (great name by the way) by having her explain all of this in the train compartment that she's sharing with her friends, maybe adding in a little dialogue between the three, could be really interesting. Anything where you can set a scene and perhaps why she's introducing them. Other than that though, I think you did very well.

I found Eilley to be a little pompous in the fact that she's different from everyone else, but I'd be interested in seeing if someone (maybe Albus) would confront her on that area, so it's actually quite intriguing to see that. I also quite liked her inner monologue.

The Eilley/Scorpius unrequited love thing was really sweet and I felt really bad for her, since the whole Scorpius/Rose thing is kind of there. And I really liked Carr, and I really want to see some of her nicknames.

Needless to say, this was a good first chapter, but if you just give a reason for why Eilley is introducing everything, it would push it that inch further to great! You've done a nice job here and your premise is smashing!

Great job!
Lo:)

Author's Response: I know, the chapter title sucks. I need a new one when I go back through and edit it again (all the same stuff just generally better). As the story stands though it flows nicely with chapter two that eases you into the story (as well as it being a nice warning that I am introducing a lot).

I have a scene idea to throw a scene in but I cannot do trains scenes. I think they are used to often to start a story with next gen (and it is mentally confining to me).

Trust me, later on you see a lot of the ways Eilley gave Carrington her nicknames. And more sweetness with love triangles, nets and the occasional piranha in the tank.

Thanks for all the complements and the push I needed!

XOXOXOX,
LLG


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