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Review:Red_headed_juliet says:
I find the more I read this, the more I want it to keep going! Lol. I think you've done a good job with Walburga. She seems detached, but not cold. Depressed, almost, and I can see why other people would she was cynical.

Yes, good god, what is up with Abraxas? He's giving me the creeps! (good job, btw. lol) And the blue yes... not sure what color Tom's eyes were, but I'm guessing we'll know here in a bit.

I'm more curious as to what's going on with Winston, really. Not sure why, maybe it's because he's the more plain and simple quiet type, but I think he may be my favorite of her friends. I'm worried about him, so I care for him.

As far as CC, there were times your tense slipps. Through most of it you're in a present tense, "I glance" "I say" "I decide" but every now again one of your verbs ends up in past tense. Not so much in this chapter, I noticed it more in the other two. +]

In the first few paragraphs, you kinda repeated yourself a bit with her currently reading Emma. You mention it at the end of the first paragraph and then expound on it again a few paragraphs down with the same details. It pulled me out of the story a bit, which is the only reason I mentioned it. Also, this sentence needs a little work. (I'm not trying to be picky, just make a point to have some CC in the things I read.)

"Grabbing my bag, which I packed the previous evening with all of my textbooks, and I stuff Emma into the bag as well and follow Elladora up the stairs which lead into the Common Room."

It would probably read better something like "Grabbing my bag, packed the previous evening with all of my textbooks, I stuff Emma in as well and follow Elladora..."

Of course, it's up to you, I just think it would read a bit better without the extra 'and'.

You've managed to build up quite a bit of suspense, and I look forward to seeing what else this unexpected voice has to say. I'm a little rusty with my pureblood family tree, but you've done a good job on getting us all acquainted with who is who in the first chapter, as well as letting us bond with a character we normally wouldn't have thought about.

Not sure if you were still up for a review when i started reading, so don't feel obliged or anything. +]

Until next time!


Author's Response: RHJ

Thanks for the great review. I'll go through and fix the typos. In my work, that kind of stuff is just inevitable. :p

I love Winston too, and he will become a bigger role later on in the story. He'll grow as a character, don't worry!

I'm so glad that I wrote the suspense well enough. Thanks so much!


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