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Review:LightLeviosa5443 says:
Hello, little sister!

Good start you've got here. It's interesting and definitely captures the readers interest. I'm certainly curious as to what's going to happen next between Duncan and Augusta. I think you did a good job with Augusta and Alice's mom, but maybe you could've added in who she was, and maybe Alice's age too? Just to make readers feel like they know the family a little more. I don't see a lot of Longbottom next-gen fics, personally.

Some CC, because I'm your sister and you'd rather hear it from me! *hugs*

-Make sure that you have spaces after your commas, there were a couple of times where you didn't.

-At the end of the first paragraph you say "It's one of those little things you just.." maybe if you put the one that in between things and you it would read a little better. So it'd be "It's one of those little things that you just..." And I don't think you need the comma after just, since she's not actually speaking.

-In the second paragraph, between dialogue you should move some comma's around: Instead of "She smiled warmly, nodded, kissing both of our heads and patting my shoulder" maybe it would work better as "She smiled warmly and nodded, kissing both of our heads and patting my shoulder..." Just an opinion!

-When Augusta is teasing Alice, after she says "Well, Wanda was lying" you say "Alice pouted, and sat back frustrated in her seat." I don't know if you need that comma after pouted.

-After the cute boy comes in and asks if he can sit down you say "..as he slid open the door in and.." I don't think you need the word in

-When you mention Alice is playing 20 questions with Duncan it should be ".. he was no time what so ever.." not once so ever.

-Oops, looks like we missed a boat when we were first editing. Wow, I was a really bad editor when I first read over this. Oopsie, sorry sis!

-When she gets to her dorm it should be "..placed my trunk down." not placing.

-When Lily is laughing at Augusta you don't need the second comma after I glared at her

-I think Merlin in Augusta's rant should be capitalised!

-Did I like not get this far before? How about Neville, or Mcgonagall? Just not Dumbledore, sweetheart, he's not quite alive.


Otherwise really good job, great start!

xoxo Big Sister.

Author's Response: Wow, didn't know I had THAT many things I didn't notice. Oopsies. Haha, thanks!

xoxo Little Sister


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