Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:slytherinchica08 says:
Characterization: There really isn't much to go on from this chapter for characterization other than a few small snippets here and there. But, from what I could see of it, I think that you have a pretty good grasp on it. Each person acted of their own ideas and thoughts and I thought that the women in the first half was portrayed particularly well. She acted on her not wanting to die and stuck through with it until the very end even though she ended up getting killed. As for the second half, I wasn't completely pulled into this women as much. She still had good characterization but I think adding a bit more to this section would add to my connection with her and helped me to feel exactly what she was feeling.

Flow/Feel of the story: This chapter flowed really well, even with the chapter break, I never felt like I was really reading two different things so great job with that. The way you have this whole story set up is done rather well. The sentence structure is great and I really can't find any faults in the flow of this first chapter at all.

Language: You did a wonderful job with this. I felt like your word choice was great and well placed. I felt like I was in this era and to me it reminded me of the small bit I have read of The Game of Thrones series what with the winter and war and such. There's really not much I can say about this other than saying that you did a great job with this as well.

Other: I did find a couple of small mistakes. The first was just a matter of leaving out the word like and that was here: "Garbed in skins and leather, they looked more beasts than men." It should have the word like after more. The second is here: "She dared not look of fear of recognising them." The first of should actually be for and there should be a "z" in recognizing. That was all I could find for errors/typos so great job!

Overall thoughts: I think you did a wonderful job with the opening of this story. It really brings me back to times like this where things were less conquered and there was more wild areas to come across. I've already got questions popping up trying to figure out how Slytherin is going to come into play with all of this and why the King is trying to find the mother of his son and his son for that matter. The only thing that I could really say is that I would have liked to see a little more of the mother and maybe get into her head to get a better understanding of whats going on and just how urgent it is that she get to this castle. Also if she had been walking right after giving birth it wouldn't have taken that long to start bleeding so she probably would have left a trail of blood behind her leading to her location. Other than that though, it was a great beginning. Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Thank you for your detailed review! You have no idea how much I appreciate it (especially since the first chapter is one of the most important ones, setting the mood and the plot)

I am so happy you think it flowed well, as I was quite concerned about that break from the Saxon King to his wife. Same with language; I've read quite a few books set in medieval times, and they are my major inspiration for this, especially The Mists of Avalon, and I hope that I can, at least, get the tone and language right. And I'm happy to hear that people like it :)

As for the Saxon King's wife - she is an important character, albeit shown briefly. I don't know if you caught it, but when the wizard was speaking to the Saxon King, he said that the wife is hidden from him. She had been a witch, see. I'd like to think that she could have used magic on herself to stop the bleeding, at least for a while. Later she does start bleeding, and bleeds to death.

As I said, she is a really important character, even though she is shown briefly :) Again, thank you for your amazing review! :D


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 554
Submit Report: