Hey there! I'm here for the 12 Days of Reviewing challenge that's taking place over on the forums! Today's task was to read and review mystery stories, and I was pleased to stumble upon a Remus/Sirius fic, so I had to check it out! :)
I thought this was pretty cute! It's always nice to see Sirius and Remus having innocent fun together and enjoying these sweet little goofy moments. I love both characters, but they both carry very dark demons with them, so reading about fluffy moments makes me smile for them and it made your story enjoyable.
The switching back and forth between the two point of views was pretty nifty, I thought! It was a little hard to follow a couple of times when you would write an entire section without saying anything that really distinguished who's point of view we were in this time, but ultimately is was easy enough to figure out! I also liked how you didn't announce every time the point of view shifted with one of those "Sirius' POV" announcements that are sometimes found in fics. Those sorts of interruptions always bother me a bit and tend to stunt the flow of the story.
I thought both Remus and Sirius were pretty well done. I liked seeing their mischievous sides and the fun ways in which they interact. The chase was really cute.
The mystery of the piece was quite fun! I certainly was intrigued right from the top, wanting to know what exactly was going on between the two of them. It sounded a whole lot more dramatic than a simple act of thievery into the others chocolate stash, but it made the ending quite silly when we did finally find out. I also really liked the repetition of the question, "Why?" It added a nice layer of suspense to the story and tied in really well with the title.
All of that said, however, you did struggle with a good amount of technical details (spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.), so I'm just going to point out a few of them for you now!
"Those eyes which made that I could never stay angry with him." - This sentence is just a bit wonky. I know what you're trying to say, but it's written in a way that doesn't make perfect sense. Something more like, "Those eyes which always made certain that I could never stay angry with him."
"How much time had past (passed, not past)? A quick glance at the watch on his wrist told me that just a few seconds had past (passed, not past)." - Personally, I would change one of the 'passed's to something else, simply because it sounds repetitive ending two lines in a row with the same word. Maybe you could say something like, "How much time had gone by?" instead, to add a little variety?
"Wouldn't word (work), he's not one to be distracted."
"A mischievous smile crept (on)to my face and before I knew (it) I turned and stated (started, not stated) to run."
"Then the ritmic (rhythmic, not ritmic) drumming of four paws was behind me."
"I'd always wanted to know how (what, not how) it felt (would feel, not felt) like to jump from the top of this tree right into the lake."
"I looked up at the black dog when he changed back in(to) my best friend."
Overall I thought this was a cute story, but there are a lot of little details that could use some smoothing out! I would suggest maybe looking for a beta over on the forums who specializes in technical details! You've got a really great foundation as far as story line and characterization; what's holding you back right now is simply the grammar and spelling and punctuation! Your Author's Note mentions how you want to learn and grow as a writer, so I hope this review has been helpful! You have so much potential, I can see that, so just concentrate on those small details and you'll begin improving drastically; I know it! ^.^
Author's Response: Hii,
Maybe a bit late to respond to this review you gave me concerning the one-shot Why?!
I love it that finally someone responded to it to be honest ;)
It was actually my first story in english and it made me rather uncertain if it would be allright at all.
To take your advice, I shall look for a beta to improve my technical problems (quite certain I will still have some problems)
Thanks so much for the review, allways good to know that people enjoy reading my stuff. So I shall try to keep up the good work and start writing more often again :)
Again thank you (this review actually restored some of my faith in my own writing)