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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hey, here with your review!

I really liked her encounter with Severus and I thought it worked out really well. They have this odd sort of tension as if one could help the other for some reason, and that they could get along really well except they don’t and instead, fight with one another. There was even a dash of humour in there which worked really well and I just can’t wait to see how these two work out.

She and Remus were really sweet together too, and they’ve progressed really nicely into the realm of friendship. I have a feeling that they might just not end up together because it was the scene when he was saying she was mad and accusing her of making him her accomplice and they seemed too different to ever really work out. You had some really nice development on the whole with them though.

Small note on the French here ‘Greta Catchlove a la mode!’ it should have an accent on the a which should be a grave accent. It’s a slanting one if you’re not sure. :)

The third section with the Marauders was really good on the whole with all of them playing the perfect part of teasing Remus. The only thing I can really suggest there is perhaps tone down the use of their nicknames, because while it was effective, they were used in several lines of speech when no name would have been better for the flow.

Now that we’ve tackled dialogue grammar and all of its other horrors, it thought a good focus for this review would be your description. While the small levels of description such as people’s faces and books, are at a really good level, the room as a whole and the general surrounding seems to lack it from time to time. The issue I see here is that you launch straight into the small level description and sometimes forget the big level, which leaves the reader a little confused from time to time. Obviously, in certain scenes it will just jar with the flow, but it might be a nice idea to incorporate in a little more to make a good setting.

Other than that, it was a really great chapter!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad that you thought that Severus and Grace's personalities work together. I'm trying to be careful with this...so for now, they fight. I'm just assuming here that if James Potter did have a sister, then Severus Snape would not get on with her (at least not right away).

She and Remus are very different...I'm glad you think the progression is coming along, though! I have plans...;).

Oh, yeah, thanks for pointing that out. I was still getting used to this odd word processor that I have and had no idea how to make accents or symbols. I'll have to go back and change that.

Ah, yeah. I'll give this another reread and see where I can eliminate some of the nicknames!

That's fantastic advice! I'll work on adding some descriptions. I suppose that I envision the settings and whathaveyou in my head while I'm writing, but generally neglect to add it into the actual story. I didn't realize that I was doing it, so thanks!

Thanks so much for all the help!!

-Rumpel


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