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Review:academica says:
Hey, here from Review Tag!

Wow, that is a lot of quotes, and a lot of challenges! I'm sure it was tough to tie all of that together into a story; kudos to you :)

I love the internal monologue you have going on while Molly is being dumped. It creates a great comedic effect, like her ex-boyfriend's pretentious speech is so boring even she can't stand to listen to it with him right in front of her. More than that, she's already plotting her next move before he's even wrapped things up. I kind of hope she got up and stormed out of the cafe mid-sentence as soon as her terrible coffee was finished, just to see if he would stop.

The dinner scene was pretty funny, too. Audrey's reaction was way over the top, but I can imagine some mothers acting that way, even with their daughters at the tender age of twenty. I really liked Percy's sort of bemused observation of the whole thing, the only semi-calm person at the table. I can only imagine how confused they were as Molly unloaded all of her emotional baggage on them. And of course, the comparison to her sister was perfectly realistic, so that was great, too.

I did think this line was a little heavy-handed: It seemed as if that piece of lamb had provided her with another metaphor for her life.
I think you could improve the flow there by writing it so we see the connection between the lamb and Molly's life a little more subtly. For example, you could describe how the lamb fell limply back into the rice, like a trap, and it vaguely reminded Molly of her circumstances.

Nice first chapter! I do see a big improvement in continuity and realism from earlier work of yours that I've read, and I think this story is going to be really enjoyable and unique. For sure, you have a much better grasp on humor that I have :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: ALL THE CHALLENGES ALL THE TIME.

I just loved writing her ex-boyfriend's break-up speech simply because it's just so unoriginal. It's like the guy went and watched a tonne of chick flicks and picked up lines to use from them! And the coffee was so bad, it probably lasted longer than the speech, so I can just imagine Molly sitting there after he's left just trying to finish the cup.

I've never written someone like Audrey, so that was quite fun to write. Her melodrama is very inspired by all the Indian soaps I secretly watch! And Percy... I can imagine him being in a perpetual state of bemusement in his household.

Thanks for the tip on that line! I've made a note of it, so when I go back to like edit, or whatever, I'll try and improve it!

I'm so happy that you think I've improved. I really admire your writing, so this is like such a huge compliment! THanks so much :D


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