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Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, Marina! I saw the link you posted and, well, I'm a sucker for an interesting story. Since this one doesn't seem to involve anyone getting pregnant after a party in the common room or Hermione in leather pants, it already has a leg up on most of the competition. ;)

I really liked what you did with the first chapter. You put in enough information to get an idea of what's going on in the story, but you saved a lot of the plot for later chapters. And you didn't dump loads of irrelevant back story on me, either. There's a very refined quality to the way that you write which sets this apart from a lot of what I find in review swaps. You're obviously pretty good at this.

You did a great job of setting the scene with the little details of Victoire's cell that you picked out. It was very spartan and narrow in scope, exactly the way that you'd expect somebody to describe a place where they've been held prisoner for long enough to start losing touch with the outside world. It was easy to imagine her sweating in the heat of the day and shivering in the cold nights. The letter that she tries to write to the person I'm assuming is her boyfriend added to the hopeless feel of her situation. All-around nicely done.

I think it's interesting that Teddy and Victoire are your central pairing, yet they're not together at the start of the story. There's obviously a special sort of friendship there. It should be interesting to see how something more emerges from that.

Their escape had a nice tension to it. The irregular, stop-and-go nature of their flight added to the confusing, herky-jerk quality. It reminded me of an action movie shot in close focus. I really like the effect. Then we meet the mystery antagonist at the end. Great way to end the chapter.

I saw a few things that might be typos near the start of the chapter:

I was roused from my sleep by the sound Teddy calling softly through the corrugated iron sheet acting that was the crude door to my cell. -- "by the sound of Teddy calling" and I think it should either be "iron sheet acting as the crude door" or "iron sheet that was the crude door".

I could hear every break he took and ever slight movement of his feet on the dust beneath him. -- "every breath he took and every slight movement"

Very nice job! I'm definitely interested to see what happens next.

Author's Response: Damn those typos. Just when I think I've found them all. Thank you for pointing those out, I will edit.

Well don't be too quick to judge. I was totally going to have Leather Pants Giraffe in this but you've spoiled the surprise now :(

It's been a long time since I wrote any action so I'm glad you found it a nice read. It is important to set the scene but at the same time you can't have an escape scene bogged down by extraneous detail. It's a difficult balance to find and this has gone through a few drafts trying to find it.

With Teddy and Victoire - it's definitely not a love story, this one, but the intrigue is there to hint that it might have been or could be. You'll see. Victoire has this pre-existing conflict with her boyfriend that provides this sick sort of hope that he might one say read her letters. That one, sadly, isn't going to see the light of day.

Thank you so much for the review. It means such a lot, especially coming from a veteran like you :)

Marina


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