|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hiya! You requested a review from me...some two or three months ago. Eep, sorry. I'm terrible at this, and I really do apologise for the delay in getting down to your request. I'm not even sure if you still need this review.
I think this is a great start to your story. I've not come across another fic on HPFF where the main OC is an incumbent ruler of a fictitious nation, and I think this is rather unique, and definitely sets your story apart from others. What's even better is that Carolyn appears to be a Muggle (I think), while it's her younger sister, Marielle, who is the witch with the acceptance letter to Hogwarts. I really like how this chapter showed an almost ordinary day in Carolyn's life: dealing with a whole lot of dreary paperwork, the less glamorous side of running a country, or at least, being the ruler of one. You've certainly conveyed her teenage frame of thoughts very well, and Carolyn comes across as a normal, girl-next-door sort of person who seems trapped in a very large, important position, something which may be a bit beyond her. Despite all her duties, I liked the part where she decides to answer personal letters from Avalynian children; it says a lot about her, and it's a nice touch to her characterisation.
Avalyn sounds like a very interesting place. For a first chapter to what sounds like a very interesting and possibly quite ambitious story, it does come across as a little short, in terms of the word count. I think that, given the premise of your story, you can certainly expand your narrative a little, take time to set the scene, too give a better sense of the setting and have a little world-building. It would be nice to read about Avalyn in a little more detail: the history of the royal family, the country's political system, the size and landscape and traditional customs and so on.
I think Marielle receiving her Hogwarts acceptance letter was a good way to end the chapter; there's a note of suspense and it's a bit of a cliffhanger, which is great. However, I do wonder about both Marielle and Carolyn's reactions to the letter. It appears as though they're from a family of Muggles, and that Marielle is a Muggle-born; it seems strange that they would be so hugely affected by the Hogwarts letter; the only explanation I can see is that they believe the letter (along with the suggestion that magic exists), which is a very odd way for Muggles to react. I'd expect them to be far more sceptical, to the point of outright dismissing the idea of magic as utter rubbish. Unless...unless these Evanses are related to one Lily Evans, and somehow they know of her magical blood and her attendance at Hogwarts, which could explain why they seem to accept the letter with so little questioning. It's a very interesting question, and I'd like to see how this develops in your story.
One thing which I think you could consider is the limitation of Carolyn's internal monologue, which is interspersed throughout the more formal narrative. The transitions between the colloquial and the formal parts of the narrative are a little bit jarring sometimes, and the "yeah...etc..." bits do become a bit repetitive. It will improve the flow of your prose, and make your language and narrative a little more consistent.
Anyway, this is a really great start :) Your story has plenty of potential, and I'm interested to see how it turns out, and how George Weasley will fit into all of this. Great work, and thanks for requesting! :)
Author's Response: Hello!
That's okay! I'm pretty bad at responding to reviews, so it's no problem! :)
Yay! A good start for a unique story! I'm glad! And yes, I didn't want Carolyn to be a queen *and* a witch, so that's when Marielle was introduced! I'm glad you liked Carolyn's characterization, as that was a big concern for me!
I was pondering how to raise the word count in the first chapter, so I will definitely take that into account! I do have the history laid out, but I will definitely try and work that into the first chapter.
Hmm... I suppose I should have added in that Marielle had been acting strange. Thanks for pointing that out, because it was happening inside my head but I guess I forgot to write that. I can't tell you if they're related to a certain Lily Evans, but you might have something there!
Yes, those bits I will definitely cut out. I will definitely do that, and thanks for pointing those out!
Thank you so much, all of your points were really good and I'll be taking all of them into consideration when I edit this, so thank you for taking the time to point all of them out! This review was super helpful!