Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:xTimexTurnerx says:

Thank you for re-requesting! I am enjoying your story.

I love to see the story from different POVs. As for Albus, I find him a bit less of a reliable narrator than Aaliyah. He seems to be caught up more in himself and how everyone's actions affect himself, rather than I found Aaliyah was interested in observing to learn more about people.

There was one piece of description that confused me: "She isnít brooding nor does she disappear. She lets herself be out in the open, yet she feels untouchable like even if you feel her skin, she isnít really there. You can see her. You can smell her. You can touch her. But you canít get the taste of her." It was weird because you say she's untouchable, but then you can touch her? I like that you are incorporating the five senses but this confused me.

I really like Scorpius's character. He's a believable teenage boy. And I'm excited to see how he finally confronts his Rose problem.

I also feel like Albus does actually like Aaliyah, although I don't think it's mutual. I also want the back story between Aaliyah and Fred! Can't wait for that.

One last thing, I'm not sure if the 'two days later' or the 'next night' headlines are necessary. I feel like you could convey that information in the story and using it as a title might be a bit of a crutch. Unless you were using that to show the difference in narration between Al and Aaliyah, then I can see it.

Overall, liking the plot progression!!

xx Lizzie

Author's Response: Hi!

I didn't originally plan on it being told from different point of views but I thought seeing how Aaliyah acts from an outsider at times is necessary so that is how it became split between Aaliyah and Al.

I made Al a little less reliable since teenage boys in real life aren't as caught up with details as girls. When I was writing this chapter, I got stuck and then got opinions on how guys think so I sort of based it on that. Albus does have an observant, calculating quality though which will come in handy later on. And he will become less arrogant haha. :)

Scorpius is my favorite. I did want him to come off as likable so I am glad you liked him. He reminds me of James in a way. And Rose... well, that is going to take some time to deal with but he will... eventually. ;)

I've got some feedback from others saying they thought Albus likes Aaliyah too. He actually doesn't like her in that way. He is just curious and finds her a mystery. And he doesn't like leaving mysteries unsolved. Also her connection to Fred sparks an interest in him. So.. she is a fascination. Granted, not a healthy one but not a crush... yet. ;)

I took your advice and got rid of the headings. Instead, I put that info into the story. I also edited the confusing 'untouchable' part so it is more understandable. And what he means when he says, " like even if you feel her skin, she isn't really there" is that she was there in person but her mind seemed to be somewhere else, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for the review! I had a great time reading it and you gave lovely advice.

~Sama :D

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 176
Submit Report: