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Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there! I'm so sorry this has taken so long to get here, and that I'll only be reviewing the first chapter - unfortunately life has been incredibly busy recently, and is not quite slowing down just yet.

I should probably admit first that I'm not a huge fan of AUs with inserted characters who 'fix everything', tbh, so this really isn't something I'd read on my own.

That said, I do find the set-up of this pretty interesting. I'm not quite sure why the set-up is needed since it's set in the Marauder's Era and you've sort of just given us a list of characters and a few hints about what happens later on. But I did like it.

I liked how you introduced a whole load of characters we know and some we don't, and gave hints about what happens and sort of gave us a glimpse of the future - if that was what you intended by this then you did it and pretty well too! I'm not really sure how it sets things up, tbh,given that you haven't really explained her abilities or about the other school you mentioned or why her or anything like that (though some of that might be explained later, I guess...), which I kinda expected this to sort of be when I started reading. It works really well as a prologue, though :)

You've done really well at weaving the AU elements in to it, without taking away from the canon elements. It being 1998, the people who've died, Kingsley being Minister, no magic being able to raise the dead... I really loved the nods to canon, despite this being an AU. You really blended the two together so well.

You might want to be careful with Grace, though, as Potter-sisters with amazing abilities have a tendency to become Mary Sue's if not watched carefully. Just something to keep an eye on, though so far I think she's great ;)

To be honest, I'm not sure about the long list of people she introduces. It's a bit long and kinda drags on, tbh. Maybe look at that again and find a better way to introduce these people? It just reminds me a bit of choosing people for teams in sports lessons at school, you know? Though that might just be my personal preference...

The other thing I thought was a bit weird was how Remus, Sirius and Snape all somehow have kids who seem to be about the same age who they never knew about. Frankly, it's a bit much. I just can't believe that the same situation would have happened to all three of them, particularly at the same time. Not everyone gets pregnant at the same time, and keeping a kid secret might have been easier in a war, but it's not easy, particularly given that you describe most of the kids as looking like their fathers, which would kinda give it away a bit. Maybe have a look at their relationships again - they don't have to have a cosy father-son relationship or whatever, but unless it's essential for your plot that none of them ever meet their fathers or have any idea who their fathers are, and their fathers never even suspect, I'd suggest maybe changing at least one to a different situation, so it's a little less coincidental.

I liked the reactions from people, as well, the way you focused on how they responded to seeing things they thought were impossible and seeing people they thought were dead, and then being told they weren't... it was really well thought-out, I thought.

Also, your writing style is really nice - fluid, not complicated, clear - no mistakes grammar or spelling-wise which I could see... and your descriptions were really great, too - particularly of Grace. A lot of people tend to over-emphasise injuries, forgetting how it works in real life, you know? So it was really nice to see that!

Please feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hello!

It took me some time to figure out when I had requested this :).

This is my cliche-fun piece (and it is so much fun to write), so some of the ideas can be a bit difficult to swallow. Also, I've been considering placing this chapter back into its chronological order to avoid some of the confusion.

With this chapter, it was my intention to create some kind of hook where, despite the confusion, it would prompt readers to want to discover more about the characters and plot.

Because this is such a strong AU, it was vital (in my opinion) to stay true to as much canon as possible. I'm glad it is working :).

Oh, yes, that's one of the things that has been so much fun about writing with Grace. She DOES have a HUGE potential to be a Mary Sue, so forcing myself away from that path has been both challenging and humorous. I've used Grace's name as an ironic twist to her personality, which is entertaining in itself.

The list of names section has been one of the biggest struggles. It feels like name-dropping and I'm constantly attempting on how to fix that! Obviously, I still haven't figured that out.

Oh yes, the children. At a certain point in the story, they are important to the plot. It IS a touch unrealistic to have the children within a 2 to 3 year time span, but it does serve a function. There is a section in the plot that gives reason as to why the children have never met their fathers. When that particular potion of the plot develops further than an outline of what is going to happen, there is a chance that things may change slightly.

Fantastic, thanks so much!!

-Rumpel


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