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Review:Infinityx says:
Hi there! Thanks for requesting a review on my thread!

I'm extremely intrigued to see where this story will lead to. The plot here is different from the other stories I've read and the start has been very well planned out as well. I also really like how you've only mentioned your character's surname. That increases the mystery that surrounds her.

I think you've done a good job with your characterization of Yaxley. He comes off as this cold, dominating, but also a stupid person.

You've definitely set the mood for the story well, with your descriptions of the manor and the dungeons. There were some things I felt could have been improved though.

First of all, the 'i's in the beginning of the chapter are not capitalized. It kind of interrupts the flow of the story. Also, you don't put a punctuation after your dialogues. For example "Well then I guess you are never going to find out" should have a full stop in this manner.. "Well then I guess you are never going to find out."
Another example.. "Have fun" he sneered. This dialogue should have a comma "Have fun," he sneered. If you have any trouble with this, there are tutorials available to help you out. :) I had some similar mistakes earlier, so I understand how dialogues can be.

While your character seems very mysterious, I think her background and how she came to be in this situation has to be established quite soon otherwise readers won't be able to connect to her character. I hope that comes up!

I also found this chapter a little rushed. Descriptions could have been stressed upon a bit more to give it a greater dark and eerie feel. One thing that I found was that you tend to write very short sentences in your narrative. I think if you lengthened certain sentences, (I don't mean everything. Mostly certain ones in descriptions) then the chapter wouldn't have seem so rushed, and it would have also built upon the setting.

You also seem to repeat certain things, and that interrupts the flow. For instance, following the line "I felt the familiar tug of my collar and yet again I was being dragged away by Jugson", you've repeated his name so many times in that same scene. You could have refrained from doing that by using "he" or by connecting a couple of sentences together.

I also found a few spelling mistakes which I'm not going to go into here as I'm sure you'll realize what I mean if you read through the chapter again. :)

Overall, I really love the way you've begun the story. Also, I forgot to mention earlier, I really like that character Liana that you brought into the first chapter. She seems like a slightly tamer version of Bellatrix and I'm actually hoping she plays a greater role in the chapters to come!

I'm sorry if the critiquing was a bit much, but I hope it was helpful. PM me if you have any questions about the review. :)

Happy writing and have a wonderful Christmas!

Cheers,
Erin.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Wow, this was very fast, thank you :)

I'm glad you enjoyed it and took the time to read on to the second chapter. I will admit, I was iffy on whether or not I should have revealed more about the main character and I probably should have but I hope the later chapters clear up any confusion that you may have.

I appreciate the critique because that is the whole point of reviews! I was quite worried about the pace of the story so I'm glad that you pointed out on how I could improve, I will make sure to take all of that and use it to improve coming chapters. Also, I know that I need a BETA reader so I think that I should probably be getting around to that soon haha

Thank you so much for the lovely, fast and much needed review!!

Bella :)


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