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Review:DracoFerret11 says:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums! I decided to read and review all of the Writer's Duel entries! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I don't know if you did this on purpose, but is James's dad's name supposed to be "Charles" or "Charlus" (as you wrote it)?

Plot Errors: There was a really minor canon-to-fic error where you mention that Andromeda looks just like her SISTERS, Bellatrix and Narcissa. But Andromeda doesn't look like Narcissa. Narcissa is the only one who actually looks different (being blonde and such), but Bella and Andromeda do look alike. ;)

Plot: This was a really charming story! I loved the idea of seeing Sirius at the Potters'. We don't get many instances of Marauders stories that aren't set with them doing mischief at Hogwarts, so this was a nice divergence from that trope. I really enjoyed the plot and the idea of the sweater party, something that Sirius could participate in that was so different than his own experiences, and could forge him a new idea of the holidays.

Characterization: I think you wrote Sirius and James perfectly. It was a great addition to bring Sirius's uncertainty into the story. His worry and nervousness really made him very realistic. And James not really getting it, trying to just get him in on the fun--great! Mr. and Mrs. Potter fell a little flat for me, though. They were a bit too generic. The scene where Mrs. Potter cries and tells Sirius that he's a member of the family was a good SCENE, but her characterization came off as awkward and misplaced for some reason. So if you were to edit this, I think it would be a good idea to find some sort of realism in the parents that you did so well in the two boys.

Descriptions: I really liked the details about how the house looked! I felt like I was there. And I loved the sweater descriptions--so funny! It was sad to think of the Longbottoms whose family would so soon be broken, but I liked that they were there. I can only imagine Augusta in an ugly Muggle sweater! Well done!

Interactions: I'm really glad you added Andromeda into this story. It makes a lot of sense that she would come--and she would probably be with Ted by this point, which would be cool! And it was nice to see the relationship between her and Sirius blossom again. That in and of itself would be a good story.

Overall, you did a really good job! Well done and good luck in the Duel!

--Emily

Author's Response: Thanks for the read & review!!

Mr. Potter's name was actually not a typo. I did some research and found that it is possible that Harry's parents' names may have been Dorea (Black) & Charlus Potter.

As for their characterization...I kind of wanted James's parents to be fairly cookie-cutter and stereotypical to contrast Sirius's own parents. I wanted the readers to be able to see a version of their own parents in them. I also wanted to try to highlight the fact that Sirius finds them to be so incredible and perfect, despite what we all find to be relatively boring & drab. (If that makes any sense.)

I'm glad you enjoyed it, for the most part, and I really appreciate the feedback & review. I will definitely be going back to fix the Narcissa/Bellatrix/Andromeda thing when I can. :)

Laura


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