Hey! Sorry about the wait for this review. It's finals week at school.
Anyway, I quite liked this. I don't ship Hannah/Neville, but this was a nice start to a story. I like how Hannah wasn't trying to hide her feelings of grief and insecurity. I read a lot of post-war fics where the characters are like "oh it's two days later and I'm fine with everything that happened it's all good let's go to a party" so this was a nice change. This is something that could happen in real life. It's realistic, unlike some other fics.
I also like that you didn't make Neville into some shining superstar like everyone wants him to be. I mean, I want him to be too, but I know that he wouldn't be as cool as he is if he were. If that weird sentence made sense lol. But seriously, he would still by shy and clumsy and awkward, I think, and you did a good job of capturing that, in my opinion.
You said you wanted to make it more romantic. I don't really think there's much room for romance in this chapter. I feel like if Neville had walked into the pub and Hannah had immediately fallen in love, I would have just clicked away from this story. That's so stereotypical and boring, and that never would have happened, especially considering how cynical she had become.
You were right about the awkward dialogue. I mean, Neville said "forgive me" like three times. Try to just relax when you're writing. It just feels like you were over thinking the dialogue and I think that that's where your problem lies. Maybe that will help, maybe not. I hope it does though. :)
Anyway, I think you should stick with this. I can see it becoming something great. I hope it becomes great.
Thanks for requesting, and please request the next chapter when it comes out. :)
Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for responding to my request! I can totally sympathize with the finals week dilemma--they're a pain, aren't they? :)
I didn't ship Hannah/Neville until I found out that they actually get married later in life. Now the ship makes a lot of sense to me--if he were with Luna, I think he would get confused a lot. But that's just my personal preference. :P
I've read a lot of those happy-clappy post-war fics, too, and so I wanted to write something that wasn't like that. I definitely think that there would be a lot of grief to deal with, and Hannah and Neville certainly had more than their fair share of it (everybody did, actually).
Neville was never destined to be a superstar, I think. It's not something that he would want--I believe that he'd rather help people without being illuminated by a spotlight. It's a mark of his humility that he's the quiet, shy guy he always was--the war didn't change that about him. I'm so glad that you thought I captured that!
Yeah, there really isn't much room for romance. I just felt like the chapter was lacking in the "lurve" department--after all, it was written for the Love Quote Challenge. But no, I agree. I would never read all the way through a story that had people who haven't seen each other in a while just throwing out sweeping romantic gestures everywhere. That's a cheap trick, and it totally wouldn't have made sense for Hannah to be swept away--you're right about that!
Hmmm, I don't remember Neville saying "Forgive me" three times. By my reckoning, he only said it twice. Still, I probably do need to go back and take a look at that. Dialogue makes me nervous because it's so incredibly difficult to capture the way that people ACTUALLY talk... It's something that I struggle with. So I shall check it over and see what I can fix!
Thanks for your review! It was not my intention for this story to have any more chapters--I was going for a one-shot. However, I can see how this chapter could lead to other chapters. Perhaps one day I'll write another chapter, and I'll have you to thank for giving me the suggestion! So if another chapter appears, be ready to see your name in my author's note. ;)
Happy New Year!