|Review:||Violet Gryfindor says:|
This is a very interesting one-shot - it's excellently atmospheric and the ending is powerful. That sentence near the end, where you describe Draco knowing that he's holding death, was fantastic - it hits the reader hard, yet it's a very subtle line. I love it when authors can find new ways of saying things, and what you did here was so much more effective than saying "she died" or using a familiar euphemism. She slips away so slowly that it feels like she isn't going to die - she literally fades, everything shutting down with painful slowness. It sounds like you put a lot of care into constructing this story and making the descriptions and the pacing just right, and all of these things, together, result in a moving story.
Before starting the review, I did a quick comparison between this and the shorter version, and I can't decide which one I like better. The other one has a nice simplicity to it, and the repetition stands out more, but at the same time, this version has more intensity because you were able to draw out the images and emotions that much further. There were places in the first few paragraphs where the language was a little wordy, with some unnecessary things (like "it was all in futility" and "it was a futile effort"), but I really liked the effect of the descriptions, how because of the darkness, you evoked other senses and focused on interesting details like Hermione's thirst and her humming. Adding these things really enhanced the story.
I can see why you felt compelled to make an extended version. And I think you expanded to just the right amount - to go further, even though I'm curious about how the characters got to this point and what happened to the others on the battlefield, would be to lose the structure. The repeated "not at all" statements are incredibly important, and the story grows well around them. They're like an echo in Hermione's mind as her body slowly shuts down, especially near the end, when it's that she knows she won't be afraid anymore. That progression was perfect, how it's at first that she couldn't be afraid, then that she would tell him that she wasn't afraid, and finally that, in death, she knows that she'll never be afraid again. Amazingly done!
Great work with this one-shot, Carla! I don't know if I've ever read your stories before, but it was lovely to see that you write as well as make gorgeous graphics. I'll be on the look out for more from you in the future! ^_^
Author's Response: I think you know already, Susan, that this review totally made my day. I did leave a comment about it but in case you didn't read that I just want to say again... This was the first thing I read when I woke up and I was feeling disgusting and then I read it and I was smiling again so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Onto actually 'responding' to your review... First off, I was actually quite surprised that you reviewed this. Some people I've talked to mention that they like the shorter version OR that they didn't want to read this for fear that it would ruin the shorter version... But I am glad to get an opinion on this one-shot. Especially from someone that I admire and respect as a writer. (and in graphics but that's a different matter, lol)
I'm glad you found it atmospheric and you liked the ending. I remember thinking, ever since I started writing that what I wanted more than anything is an ending that would stick with anyone who reads it and I'm glad you think that's the case...:)
I admit, I read through it again and this is in dire need of trimming in some places! To be honest, I was just so excited to actually make an extended version that I piled on the words (mostly just because I can, which is no excuse I know!)
To be honest, I myself have no clear idea HOW Hermione found herself there (well, Draco took her) but as to HOW she came to be in such a state and how the battle is going before she arrived there I have no idea either. I guess, I was just as confused as Hermione was...
Anyway, cue crying Carla (see what I did there? anyway, I digress). That was a sweet way to end a review. By making me cry.. Thanks, Susan... you don't know how emotional this review made me. haha. And I mean that in the most sincere and happy way possible. -glomps-