Tagging you from Review Tag!
Hi, Anthea! I was excited to see you had the last post. Even though I didn't get a chance to write anything for the writer's duel, I was sort of following along with the participants.
I love what you've done with Voldemort. The condescending, disdainful malevolence you've given him in this was a lovely touch. He doesn't just think that he's superior to his followers -- I'm sure he would have thought that no matter who was surrounding him -- he thinks that they're all weak, worthless idiots. After what happened in the Department of Mysteries, it's easy to see why he would have felt that way. If I have my timing right, this is happening on New Years Eve in the middle of Half-Blood Prince. So Voldemort has definitely had one or two good things happen recently. But the loss of the prophecy is doubtless still a sore point for him.
Poor McNair. I mean, it isn't that I really feel bad for him -- he made his own bed, so to speak -- but he was radiating mortal terror off of the page. One of the things I liked most about the way you wrote Voldemort was the subtle, quiet, understated way that he was behaving. His words were so gentle and civilized. He came off like a velvet-covered knife. The danger lurking beneath the surface of those calm waters was palpable.
The moment of connection between Voldemort and Snape was also well-done. It was clever, the way that you had Snape layer his mental defenses in such a way that there was more he could show to Voldemort without revealing his deepest secrets. I think it's a good model for how occlumency might work.
So one factual thing I'll nit-pick you on. Malfoy’s boy was at the school at this very moment, and his plan was nearly complete. If this is taking place on New Years Eve, wouldn't Draco still be at home for the holidays? Or maybe he decided not to go home this year because of his father's fugitive status? It could use perhaps a touch of elaboration.
Ah, Bella. So eager to follow her master wherever he might lead. The only thing I would have liked to see with her is more of her.
I liked the Unbreakable Vow at the end. It was just vague enough that I think Snape could have easily continued to serve his role without being killed by his own vow.
I noticed a few typos as I was reading:
If his sone failed, Voldemort would ensure that the Dementors took care of the entire family. -- his son
This year, Voldemort would take control, and make the Wizarding World a safer place, where Wizard were strong, and powerful, respected and mighty. -- where Wizards were strong
He called, his voice quavering a little as he raised it still higher," -- I think you need a period in place of the comma and quote marks at the end of this.
“Place our your wand hands,” he commanded and everyone in the circle did so. -- Place out
"I vow that this will be the year that Dumbledore is over thrown!" he cried at the top of his voice -- overthrown. Also, you need a period at the end.
"I vow that this will be the year that I, Lord Voldemort, will ensure the future of the wizarding world is pure for ever!" -- forever.
You did a nice job with this. It all flowed very nicely and felt very well characterized. Good luck in the duel!
Author's Response: Hi Dan! Thankyou for reviewing this story, much appreciated - particularly the typos you picked up... I need to get a beta for even my short little one shots, it's terrible! thankyou, though this type of review is so constructive!!
AND because this was a half hour effort at 11:30 at night, I did not go and check my facts.. I had in my memory that Draco didn't go home those holidays cause he and his dressed up girlfriends crabbe and goyle were hanging around the school playing with vanishing cupboards. No idea where I got that idea from though, cause it isn't in the book! I will have to reword that sentence - along with fixing the rest of it up.
I've never been able to write Bella properly. I almost left her out entirely but felt the story wouldnt be right without her...
I really appreciate you taking the time to help with this story.
No actually, I got all embarrassed when I realised you had reviewed it because i hadnt spent much time or effort on it and it isnt very well polished, and I jsut wanted to make excuses for it. But I am grateful for all the helps youve given me, Ill go back and put the spit shine on it now. :)
thankyou very much!! Happy christmas!