So, i adore Regulus stories. I've realized reading this that I don't read enough of them! Why did you chose him as your protagonist? I'm really excited to see where this is going though as he's a delightfully interesting character. There are so many ways you could take him and I like how this has all started. I like the fear he has, but even better, I like how he's so desperate to control himself. It shows how young he really is and how horrid it was that someone as young as him had to become part of this. He could have been so much more.
Another thing I liked about his character was that he wanted to be there. He dreamt of being a DE. Sometimes i find that stories with Regulus in them, it always seems like he's getting dragged along with the group. Or, he doesn't really seem to make many decisions for himself. Or everything he does was to be different from Sirius or make his parents like him better than Sirius. I like how this whole thing started out with him wanting this life (at least, a little, even if he's unsure a little about it. Who isn't when they make any sort of decision) I thought you did that very realistically. There is an aspect in it that he doesn't quite fit into the world, but, on the other hand, it seems like he actually wants to clean the world of this prescribed 'filth'. He's already starting to feel dynamic. I'm excited to read more on his motivations and what has brought him here.
The chapter definitely makes me want to read more! You've written the tone so well and crafted the other DE's in such a believable way that makes me itch for more. Honestly, the other DE's are so distinct, there is Malfoy who's dark and powerful, Narcissa who seems afraid, Bellatrix and her usual crazy, and finally Dolohov. Dolohov was excellently well done, creepy, but not so over the top either. Maybe sinister and i loved the detail about his breath. It's stuff like that that makes me want to continue reading a story as the details matter and make a story really full and rich.
I also really appreciated that you didn't give an overload of information here. It is one thing that makes me want to read more simply because there is more to know. It makes a first chapter come alive when you just start off without falling into the temptation to vomit all the backstory out into the first few thousand words. So, lovely job with keeping that in check :).
Honestly, for a first chapter, you've done a great job at hooking readers and writing with a lovely tone. It is very readable to me and I don't think you have much to worry about with this chapter. It introduces your story really well. I'm really curious to see how Regulus goes from this to a betrayer. :) I think, perhaps, the only thing you could watch out for is word choice. I noticed a few times the same words being reused in fairly close succession. This is a small thing and didn't really bother me too much, but it does help with readability if there is a varied vocabulary. (i.e - shiver/shivered, nerve/unnerved, fear, afraid) Generally, some of the repetition was fine and made the story more poignant, but as you continue writing just remember to keep it from being repetitious to the point where it makes the writing boring because the same words are reused. I suppose i'm trying to say here is be intentional with your word choices and use repetition to your advantage and not let it take advantage of you. I hope that makes sense!
Loved this chapter though and I'd definitely want to read more! This is really nice work, thanks for requesting.!
Author's Response: Hey there!
I've always found Regulus' character fascinating as we know very little about him but, like you said, have had trouble finding a story about his life on fanfiction. So I decided to write one for myself!
Though, as we know from the HP books, Regulus begins to have doubts about where he stands, I definitely think a part of him wanted to become a Death Eater, so I'm glad you think I portrayed that well.
Thank you for such a great review, I'm glad you enjoyed this first chapter.