Our website is made possible by displaying online advertisements to our visitors.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker.

Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:maskedmuggle says:
Hi Sankavi!

Here from the forums for your requested review. Sorry about the week long wait, I hope it wasn't too much of a bother! Firstly, your opening chapter definitely does a good job of introducing Laila to the reader. I think I do get a good sense of who she is as a person which is awesome, and I do feel quite intrigued on reading on and finding out more!

There's not really that much on to comment on, plotwise, as this chapter is quite short and generally focused on Laila's personal thoughts/narration. You do set up a vague idea of what the plot will be for the novel with how Laila has decided to show everyone "that I'm not the Malfoy everyone thinks I am." as she enters sixth year, with is great because it gets readers interested! I do hope that somewhere in your story you mention why it is in her sixth year that she has finally decided to reveal her real identity and what has influenced her to decide this. Hope that makes sense!

Characterisation... I have to admit that Laila does seem like a character that I've probably read about in other fanfics before.. but this is only the opening chapter and this small glimpse probably doesn't reflect her whole personality. However, I have to say that her personal voice in this chapter is definitely very strong and interesting to read - and she seems like quite a likeable character. The thing that made me feel as if I've read about a character like Laila before is how I've read plenty of other fanfics starting out in a very similar way: a personal narration introducing the character/family/background, etc. So to specifically answer your concern about whether it seems like you're just telling facts in this chapter.. it does seem that way to me, but there's nothing wrong with a chapter of facts and minimal plot if it's written well enough - which I think yours is. As such, despite how there's a lot of facts and how I feel like I've read this type of introduction before.. I find this a solid opening chapter that does the job well enough in convincing me, as a reader to read on (which I personally think is the main aim of an opening chapter).

A few quick spelling/punctuation/grammar errors: I believe death eater and quidditch should both be capitalised to read Death Eater and Quidditch. With the phrase "a charmer among girl" this would make better sense with the plural girls. With "...bullied.No", a space after the full stop is missing. Lastly, I think "But my eyes, those were Malfoy." sounds a bit strange as following "those were.." you'd be expecting an adjective but instead you've got Malfoy there - a noun. Maybe it might sound better reworded like this? But my eyes, those were of a Malfoy.

Lastly, this might be just a personal preference.. but I found that the multiple gaps between every line was a bit distracting. I feel like you could perhaps group two or three of the lines together sometimes? Or maybe reduce the two-line gaps to a one-line gap? This isn't really that much of an issue, just pointing it out (not sure if other people feel this way too or not). Overall though, I found this to be an interesting first chapter and you've written it quite well! One phrase that I absolutely loved was "I was a snake in red and gold robes." I never intend to write so much in my reviews but I hope this helps somehow! I enjoyed reading this :)

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle :)

Author's Response: That's fine! Sorry about replying to this so late :S

Yup, this isn't really a plot chapter as it is a prologue to get the ball rolling! I get what you mean. Her reason for doing it in her sixth year is kind of explained in the third (i think?) chapter.

I wrote the beginning to this a couple years back, hence why it may not sound so original (i was a 7th grader who was super into the cliche next gen stories(not that they were bad, but they were kind of repetitive)). I've just never been able to find a different way to start the story, which is why i'm keeping it like this for now, Hopefully I'll be comfortable enough later on to edit it because I feel the same way as you do about it.

Thanks for spotting the grammar error, will fix that ;)

Thank you so much for writing this review. I can tell you put a lot of thought into it, and sorry for being so late with my response >.<

-Sankavi ^_^

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 493
Submit Report: