Wow! This has already grabbed my attention right away. I love love love the style you've chosen to write this in. Second and first person is such a weird combination, but it can be done really well. I think (if i can remember properly when i read the book) that The Reluctant Fundamentalist is also told in this style. I think. Don't quote me when I say that. It is so interesting though that you've chosen to have Eileen tell this unknown person her story. I'm really curious to know who this unknown person is. Anyway, back to the style of this. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you've chosen to try something like this. Honestly, i don't know how it'll turn out for you, but so far in this first chapter, i'm intrigued. The only thing I can suggest is make sure you also flesh this person out and she doesn't always remain unknown to the reader as the story goes on. It isn't necessary now as I like the unknown bit of her, but eventually if she just remain an unknown entity I think it may hurt the story a little.
I think your description is lovely so far. I was really drawn into the story and how things looked. I think that you've done a really nice job with that and have nothing to worry about at all. Especially as an introductory chapter I think it's great. It gives me just enough to imagine things and you have a really nice tone to your writing that made it really easy to follow as well. The only thing that made your writing a bit difficult to follow is the paragraph lengths. I'm such a paragraph nerd, but these were really large and chunky. I found myself finding it hard to read and follow because there were so big. That's the only time I was confused with your writing.
About Eileen's motivation, I think there is adequate knowledge at the moment, but I think you would need to explore it a little more as it continues. Right now I think it's all that needs to be told. The style and the description of this keeps me interested to read on. It also is the unknown aspect of why his story is so interesting and makes me want to continue reading to figure out exactly what it is that makes it interesting. I like that unknown bit, the way it dangles in front of me. So lovely job with that! Honestly, this is good so far.
Another thing I really like is how you've subtly put in Eileen's character here. How she rambles, is steeped in the past, and how she's fighting cancer. There is a kindness in her soul as well that i've gotten the impression from and it makes me curious to see how she was changed by Tobias and what her relationship with Snape was during the years. Did he completely cut her off? Did he visit her every so often?
You raise a lot of interesting questions wit this really short prologue and I think this is really great that you were able to do that. It shows that there is going to be a a lot of meat to this story and I'm really curious to see were you're taking this. Thank you so much for requesting, i hope ou found this review helpful! -zayne
Author's Response: Oooh, thank you so much!! The style was actually inspired by Nicole's one-shot Sanguini, the Vampire -- if you haven't read it, you really must because it's amazing! As for The Reluctant Fundamentalist, I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that book. The unknown person is inspired by Rachel, the giftee of this novel, and don't worry -- I plan to include more and more clues towards her identity as each interlude of the story progresses. ^.^
Thank you so much! I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the description and that you felt there was the right amount of it. I see what you mean about the paragraphs, I'll definitely keep that in mind and see if I can go back and break up the paragraphs so they're easier to read.
I do plan to expand upon Eileen's motivations in future interludes -- I'm writing interludes, scenes in the cafÃÂ© as Eileen takes breaks from talking, to go where there are large gaps in the timeline. I'm happy that you feel the current information is enough, though, since I didn't want to bombard the reader with information but at the same time they did need some information. It's great to hear you're enjoying this story so far!
Oooh, thank you for such lovely compliments! It's wonderful that Eileen has endeared herself to you! As for her relationship with Snape, unfortunately that has to remain under wraps until it's revealed in the novel -- I wouldn't want to spoil you ;)
Thank you so much for this review, Zayne, I really appreciate it, and I truly apologise for the unacceptable length of time it's taken to respond to this! I assure you that it won't take so long again ♥