I'm so pleased to have returned to this story. The way you paint this story is absolutely fabulous. I know i shouldn't be shocked as your writing is simply to die for. I love how you've paced this chapter though. That is always something i've had problems with in my own WIP's and you've really made this chapter intriguing and yet so normal that really draws me in. I love the everydayness of this chapter. She seems so human. Sometimes people write their characters and even though they are well rounded they give off this sort of 'other' feeling, but Eileen seems to really shine here as someone who'd actually walk the streets of London. She's gone beyond the term, at this point for me, of relatable and she seems like people i know. I hope that makes sense, but i'd continue reading this story simply because i like how you've carved her characterization into this so well. I know there is still loads to learn about her too which makes it exciting as there is always that overhanging idea of what happened to her with Tobias.
As i mentioned above i liked the pacing. I thought you did a really lovely job at creating a nice progressive plot. It isn't happening all at once, but there is this free flow here that really opens up the story for later. We learn that she's worked for her success, that she's rebuilding, that she seems to disdain Hannah's life, reminisces how life dreams have changed, and had someone plant a seed in her for the future. We learn a lot, but there is this feeling of a slow unpacking of a wider scope for the story. I hope that makes sense. The way this chapter is constructed feels natural for the end bit to happen with everything you packed into it. Its really made me interested to see where you're heading, how she fell in love with Tobias, and what her relationship with Fabian is. There are just so many lovely details in this that i don't really know what to do with myself. It's just really lovely and i can practically see myself trailing after Eileen in this.
How old was Fabian here? Something feels off that he seems as old here as he is. What i mean by this is I thought he was younger than this in canon. I could be wrong though.
Your word choice is really nice too. The way you've chosen to describe the spotty electricity and how she pins the bottom of the dress. It makes the flow from one thought to another - one sentence to another really smooth. Also, it reminds the reader right off that even though this is a muggle world here she's in, this is still a magical story. Details like that make this chapter really interesting and set it apart from everything else on the site.
I've really enjoyed reading this!! Really lovely job! - zayne
Author's Response: Hello Zayne, darling! I'm so, so sorry for the huge delay in responding to this! Forgive me.
I'm glad that you're happy to return. To be honest, it sort of shocks me every time someone tells me that they enjoy some, or most, of my story. It kind of blows my mind. I'm so into the fantastic and out-of-this-world that writing something "normal" is actually quite a challenge for me. It's something that I'm striving for in this story, above all things - a sense that this could be any one of us, save for the magic, of course. I'm really glad that you're enjoying her characterization. I do my utmost to make her as normal as possible.
You mention a "free flow...that really opens up the story for later." That describes what I'm doing perfectly. I don't want to bog myself and the readers down with something super complicated because I think it will fall apart if I do that, you know? The normalcy tinged with a bit of the fantastical is what I'm headed for, really. Fabian will come in again much later. He's a minor character, but you'll see him now and again.
I made a mistake with my math in dealing with the canon. I'm pretty sure that I'm way, way off, but now that I've written it, I don't want to go back. I don't even know if he was out of Hogwarts at this time. Well, I am TERRIBLE at math (a bit like, JKR, actually).
Thank you! You know me, I'm always trying to make sure that my diction is just so - it's a pain in my tail though, that's for sure! :P
Set it apart from everything else on the site? That's truly the loveliest compliment! Thank you!!! ♥ That means so much to me!
Thanks for the wonderful review. As always, I appreciate and love your opinions and feedback!