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Review:ReeBee says:
Hi there! Im here with your requested review! :) I know u wanted a lot of CC, so I'll try to be as nit-picky as possible.

Okay, this is a very nice start. Everyone loves a bit of drama and angst :) it's written quite well: it's a bit like you are unsure, but that will improve as you write more. The flow is also stilted a bit- but it's in a way that will only improve with practise and as u get to know your character better.

There are also quite a few typos and grammatical errors. I would suggest a thorough read through or finding a beta reader. You can find a proper beta (for your whole story), or a quick beta (for a single chapter). This is in the help offered section of the archives :)

And also, don't be afraid to use your creative license :) that sounded so odd, but u get what I'm saying :) instead of, "I turned around to see him" you could say, "I turned around to meet a kind green eyed gaze. Harry." That was a terrible example, but u get what I'm saying :) (hopefully).

I also think that the first scene when Ginny goes to fly can be developed a bit more :) thisc. An be done with more dialogue or cutting down the description. On that note, the story doesn't look intimidating :) it's fine!

Actually, I think the whole chapter would be better with a bit more dialogue :) there was a lot of amazing description (so jealous of your skills, btw), but a bit more dialogue in some places would be good :)

One more thing, I think the funeral scene (especially with the coffin lowering, etc.) can use a bit more description of the actual events. I know it's heartbreaking, but that would help smoothen the flow :)

I'm sorry if that sounded negative, it was really good! And I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. That was depth that I would usually reserve for beta reading, but hopefully that helped u :)

Feel free to rerequest :)

- ReeBee

Author's Response: ReeBee,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful critique! You were not harsh at all, I am glad to get some helpful CC, because that's the only way I can get better :D

Most of what you said was very true, and were actually things that had come to my mind. For example, the lack of dialogue in some scenes and lack of detailed events in others. So it's great to get some reassurance on what I can do better next time.

I will take these tips to heart and make sure they are in the forefront of my mind as I continue writing :)

I really cannot thank you enough for your help!


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