|Review:||Penelope Inkwell says:|
Wow. You really know how to set the mood. That was my favorite part, I think. I could really see all the dungeons, and the pain, and the grime, and the fear. That was then perfectly juxtaposed by the upper floors of the manor. It was beautifully done.
The part where Jugson is toying with her is well-executed, too. I felt fear for her, disgust for him, and such total horror at her conditions, even though we’re barely into the story. And, I mean, you’d hope anyone would be disgusted at the thought of someone being treated like that, but not every writer can really make you *feel* it as you do.
Really, you’ve done the best thing any writer can do in a first chapter--you’ve intrigued me enough that I want (and intend) to read the second : )
As for CC, I pretty much always include it, but I am notoriously nitpicky : ) Anything I can say is really grammatical. The story itself is unfolding very nicely in this first chapter, and I really enjoyed it. I certainly want to read more.
There are several sentences that should really be split into two, rather than being connected by commas. A few other places that need commas but don’t have them. That’s also true of quotes. For instance, “’Mudbloods' Liana shrugged.” should be “Mudbloods,” Lianna shrugged.
Also, the word ‘jeering’ is used a bit too frequently--enough to stand out. It’s a great word, though. Maybe consider replacing one or two of them with “taunt” or “sneer”?
Oh, and when your OC describes the trees as, "Taller and meaner than I was,” I don’t know exactly what it is about it, but it struck me as just brilliant.
Very nice beginning. I’ve got to do a review for someone else, but then I’ll have to come back and read more of this. That ending? Totally threw me for a loop! I have *got* to find out what they mean by that!
Author's Response: Hi there!
Oh wow, thank you so much for such a detailed review, I will definitely be going back and writing another one for yours!
I'm glad you like the description side of things because when I first posted the chapter a good few months ago, I did feel like maybe it was lacking.
Also, I felt slightly repulsed myself when I was writing Jugson and I did try my hardest to think of a very disgusting, irreverent man and so this side of Jugson was born.
Also, I really do think that 'Sneered' does sound a lot better than 'jeered' and so the next time I edit this chapter, probably when the novel is finished and I re-write small parts of it, then I will deffinitly be adding that in, as well as the shorter sentences!
Honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely review!