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Review:writeyourheartout says:
Hiya! I'm finally here with your review! :-D

So I love the moment you've chosen! I really love reading about missing moments from the HP books, and I've never read about this one before, but I'm glad you requested it! To be honest, I think the majority of it is quite plausible! Now, in your message to me you mentioned how this was your worst one-shot and that the characters were really OOC, etc., but considering it's also the first fanfic your ever wrote, you should be really proud of yourself! Also, I don't think the majority of the characterizations were OOC at all! Yeah, there are a few moments which I'll touch a bit on later, but I'm gonna put my concentration on the things you did really well and on some grammatical things specifically! So let's do this!

I like the way the story is introduced, with us getting to see how much life for those three has changed now that they've sort of become the leaders of the Hogwarts rebellion. I think it's probably exactly how they were feeling and I liked the line Ginny says comparing themselves to what Harry was always dealing with.

I also really like the moment where Neville is pretending to read the Quibbler upon Luna's influence. It's just like her to expect others to share her interest in the farfetched and just like Neville to comply, even if he's not particularly into it. The plant article was a nice touch, too; it shows how Luna and Neville have truly become closer over the years, understanding each others interests. Some more good characterization moments that stood out: The line about the Carrows in their brief moments of reference and how they've been treating students (the poorly healing cut on Neville's face speaks volumes); Neville's struggle with his new-found leadership role and the guilt he feels when things go wrong; Ginny's fierceness on Neville's behalf; Luna's good luck bracelet speech, etc. Really, there are a lot of great characterization moments!

That said, now I'm only going to point out a few that stuck out to me as OOC: I don't know if I'm sold on Neville killing a Death Eater in this situation. I think he's sort of like Harry, who even in his own life-or-death situations will still fight with Expelliarmus over Avada Kedavra. Neville has an even gentler nature (even if by this book he's grown to be much more strong and gruff), and I think taking someone's life - especially given the location - isn't quite fitting. With that said, even though I do think it's a stretch, I thought you wrote the resulting reactions to it very well. It really is almost believable, but I'm simply not entirely sold. Also, Ginny and Luna both have meltdowns that, while most girls would absolutely react this way, I don't know that either of them would. But all of that is just my opinion!

Now some grammar:

"As a punishment for Neville, they performed the cruciates curse on him during dinner, he didn't make a sound though even though it was clear how much pain he was in." - You misspelled Cruciatus Curse (a few times throughout the story) and it should always be capitalzed! Also, you used double though's surrounding the word 'even'. Plus, this should really be two separate sentences, not one.

""Now I know what it's like to be Harry." said Ginny." - Something I notice you do a lot is put a period at the end of a quote where it should really be a comma. If you put a period at the end of the quote, the next sentence needs to stand on it's own and start with a capital letter.

"He had his head resting against the window, flicking half heartedly flicking through the Quibbler, and glancing out of the frosty window as the train *speed (sped) by snowy fields and dark, intimidating mountains." - You wrote the word 'flicking' twice, surrounding 'half heartedly' (which should be spelled halfheartedly).

"...you couldn't of done it yourself," - 'couldn't have', not 'couldn't of'. Again here: "I should *of (have) made Barry a good luck bracelet, I had all the ingredients, including the Pixie wings!" - Is ingredients really the right word here? That generally applies to food and potion making; creating an object like a bracelet would make more sense to say 'materials'.

"Well Neville, I just thought that because *your holding Luna's hand that maybe you know.." - *you're, not your. Is that meant to be a period or an ellipses?

You confuse the words 'of' and 'off' a few times throughout the story, as well as 'to' and 'too'.

""I'm not sure," said Ginny said," - Said Ginny said?

"You WILL NOT touch her" Neville screamed, stepping forward and leaving very little room between himself and the Death Eaters. "OR someone WILL get hurt."" - Instead of capslock, I would use italics to emphasize certain words; it tends to look more aesthetically pleasing without compromising the seriousness behind the words.

"She wouldn't be able to cope if Neville died on them now. *Now (not) when they needed a leader." - Also, this should be one sentence, not two; combine with a semi-colon.

How do Seamus and Ginny know about Neville's parents when earlier you mention how it was special for Luna to be told?

"*Relieving (reliving) the moment, where the flash of green had killed Dolohov." - This sentence is incomplete on its own and should be attached to the previous sentence using a semi-colon.

So as you can see, the majority of issues with this story is actually just the technical stuff rather than the characterizations, which is easy enough to fix! I would simply suggest a beta who specializes in grammar, spelling and punctuation, because other than that this story is really great! The plot, the characters and their characterization, the Neville/Luna pairing, the drama - it's all working, but it's being undercut by the technical details!

Lastly, I love the ending where he finds the earring! So sad and sweet and a perfect way to wrap the one-shot up! Overall it was enjoyable and I hope this review has been helpful! *hugs*

Author's Response: Hi, sorry I took so long to respond to this review but I wanted to respond properly and I finally have the time!

I'm happy you liked the moment, I think if J.K was going to write any missing moment from the series I would want it to be this one!

The Neville/Luna moments were my favourite to write so it's good you've picked up on them! :P

Honestly when I wrote this I didn't have a clue how fanfiction worked so I thought it wouldn't matter to much about Neville killing a DE but I realise that it is unlikely. So I can't really defend it but at the same time it was awesome to write and it's this idea that got me writing fanfiction so I like it at the same time. I really do understand how it seems unlikely.

Also Ginny and Luna having meltdowns probably isn't the way they would react, but I hope people can enjoy it for what it is if they read it! :)

Thanks for all your CC, I really am going to go through and edit this because I feel like it is incomplete at the moment.

Thanks so much for reviewing this so detailed and I feel so bad that my response is going to look tiny in comparison to your review, but I really appreciate it!

*hugs!*

Cannons!


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