How do you do this, be so fantastically funny? I loved pretty much every word of this piece, and have no idea how you came up with it, but it's quite awesome. I feel like I'm going to return here when I'm feeling sad or am too lazy to cook for myself and be inspired by Barty.
I love the character you've embodied here and how simple yet perfectly canon his personality is. To be fair he did accomplish a lot in the last few months what with escaping and capturing Moody. Something about being "bored out of his Imperiused mind" struck me as really witty as well, and I don't blame him at all for getting Winky to teach him to cook during the long years cooped up on house arrest.
Voldy's welcome-back present? Sharing his talents with the 2%? So sassy but perfect of his crazy ambitions. Snogging dementors? A certain Muggle author? Okay, I must refrain from quoting the whole story back to you. I think your comment about knowing how to control a classroom and be a good teacher was really valid. Maybe he watched some Glee and learned how to teach at the same time as he was learning to cook, and was just embodying his version of a Mr. Shu? Who knows.
The idea of the Imperius curse to get the students to cook was quite a good tie in with canon, since that's exactly what he seems to like to do in Harry's class.
Yes! Every good parody always has one of the Sue family, in my opinion. Sherri Sue and her portable wind machine were awesome. I really enjoy the other cliches that were brought in, like SS being American and sharing Voldy's last name and the time turner debacle and Dumbledore being all knowing and having sequins for eyes and glitter. Do I sense some bitterness with regards to glitter?
This: pointing to a silver (and purple, from the blackberries) HA.
This: we magical folk like to do things as dangerously as possible HA! And so true!
To be fair, I wouldn't want to watch a cooking show that paired the words death and eating together, though there is a nice link there with food. If I was a vulture, perhaps. (I'm sorry, my brain is quite frazzled at the moment)
I laughed out loud when Barty accidentally ended up in the graveyard with this hilarious set up of Wormtail waiting. So, so funny. Yet you raise a good point... why didn't he just hand him some object and get Harry there on time?! The cooking actually makes quite a logical alibi for Crouch's laziness in taking a full year to get Harry there. Hahaha, still thinking about Wormtail having to set up everything all over again...
The glitter returns! Of course Umbridge would love it.
Math was the perfect way to conclude the story and a great tie in to Barty's own teachings. I loved it, a lot, and it is indeed tragically true that no wizard would be able to understand algebra. Multiplication might even become a mystery. That equation set a bit of terror into my English major's heart, so I sympathize with Barty ultimate panic.
This was a brilliant read and really perked up my night, so thank you for writing it! :D I mean it, I'm going to return and giggle and find more things I didn't notice the first time around. Loved this!
Author's Response: Hi there! Ahhh thank you! Has anyone ever told you that you leave the best reviews? Because you do! ♥
Well, the secret to how I came up with this was actually just being sleep deprived and bored at an airport very early in the morning! :P Jet lag can do wonders!
I'm glad you liked the way I portrayed Barty and his ambitious dreams. Oh my goodness, I love the mental image of Barty watching Glee while he learned to cook :D Thank you for that.
I agree, I love reading about Mary Sues in parody! I tried to stick as many cliches as possible into the story, haha. You are correct about my feelings towards glitter. One too many times I've found glitter on me from an art project from 15 years ago :p
Yeah, he probably didn't think through the title of his show well enough. You could have been Barty's career advisor and encouraged him to create a television programme for vultures. I'm sure it would have been a hit.
I'm so glad you liked the graveyard scene with Wormtail. Ever since I first read GoF I wondered how it took Crouch so long to get him there, so this story attempted to explain that, in an absurd although technically canon compliant way :p And I apologise for the soul-sucking quadratic equation at the end, I'm sure they give a fright to more than just wizards. ;)
Thank you so much for reading, and for your fantastic review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story!!