|Review:||nott theodore says:|
Hello! I'm finally here with your requested review (and you filled out the form right this time, thank you, it makes things a lot easier :D)
I think that this chapter was definitely an improvement on the first one, if you don't mind me saying! It was a lot easier to follow and understand than the first chapter, and I didn't feel like I was being overloaded with information as I did previously. I think you managed to achieve a much better balance with that here. Because of the fact that there's a lot less information being listed, and the cast of characters is much smaller than formerly, I feel that the chapter flows a lot better.
There are some issues that I noticed with grammar. I know you've had a beta look over this chapter already but you need to be careful at times with using commas, as you sometimes use them when you should use a semi-colon instead. For instance "friend at Noctars, they pretty much grew up" should be friend at Noctars; they pretty much grew up. It's only a small mistake, but if you improve on that it makes your writing flow a lot more smoothly.
There are a couple of typos and Americanisms as well. They're not major problems, but again, correcting them would help your writing to flow a lot better. I won't point them all out now, but a few you need to be careful of are including a question mark at the end of each interrogative and capitalising the honorifics 'Miss' and 'Mister' even when they're not at the start of a sentence.
I'm still really intrigued by the plot that you've conceived here. We found out more in this chapter about Grace's special powers - I liked the link into the title, 'Everto Trucido'. I'd like to learn more about Noctars and why Grace arrived so late at Hogwarts, but I imagine some of that will come in later chapters. I wonder, with Grace being a demon slayer, just precisely what she has come up against so far. I like the fact that you've chosen to create a character who has her own reasons for seeing past the prejudice surrounding werewolves, rather than getting to know Remus and her prejudices being erased. So far, I think you've done a good job of developing the plot; obviously we've been taken back in time, but I felt like I saw some development in the story here.
As far as characterisation goes, I think you've done a reasonably good job of writing all the canon characters - the Marauders especially. I always hesitate to write such popular characters, so well done to you for that! I feel that one thing that could have helped me grasp the change in time better is including Grace's age somewhere. At the beginning it seemed like she had just received her Hogwarts letter and I automatically assumed that she was around eleven, and it took me a little while to work out that this clearly wasn't the case. I know that you included the date, but a reader doesn't really want to have to work out the maths for themselves. Also, as a side note, I'm sure the students normally get the train to Hogwarts on September 1st, so unless you have a reason for them arriving on a different date, you might consider changing that.
I really like your characterisation of Grace at the moment. Her powers are probably the thing that interest me most about her so far, because I'm curious to know what sort of upbringing she's had because of them and what sort of enemies she's come up against in the past. I'm also really intrigued about how the fact that she's a demon slayer will tie in with the first chapter, and all of these characters being brought back to life.
I would say that you need to be a bit careful with her powers though - I understand that as a demon slayer, she's dangerously gifted, but since she has power that doesn't require a wand and she can see into the future, you're risking her appearing as a little cliche. I'd make sure to include some more obvious flaws and flesh out her character more so that the focus isn't entirely on her power, just to make her seem more realistic.
There were some really cute parts in this chapter as well, and they really made me smile. The suggestion at the beginning that Grace could transfigure her friend into an animal so that she could join her at Hogwarts made me laugh - I wonder if anyone has ever tried it? I also liked the part where she - inexplicably, it seemed to be - picked up the girl to move her out the way. My favourite part was probably the strange connection that she has with Remus, and the hug she gave him at the end of the chapter. I'm glad that this isn't set up as a situation where she falls in love with him, and I'm curious to know why she has this special affinity with Remus, too.
Overall, I think you've made a big improvement in this chapter and I'm still interested in your story; if you clear up some of the more technical errors then you'll make this even better. I hope this review was helpful, and feel free to re-request!
Author's Response: Hello!
Hooray! Actually out of the eight chapters posted, three of them seem to be giving me a genuinely difficult time (including these first two chapters). What I have been strongly considering is putting the first chapter where it belongs in chronological order to the timeline. That may clear up some confusion and avoid including so much information very early on in the story.
Ah, thank you, I will give this another reread and try to clear up some of the issues. Flow is important after all.
Yes, more information will be in later chapters. I didn't want everybody to completely drown in AU, OCs, and original ideas (although, I think that may have already happened in the first chapter). I'm happy that you noticed development, though.
The Marauders weren't the easiest to write. James Potter has been especially difficult for me, though I'm unsure why. I'm happy to see that you think that I've done a decent job with them because that was definitely a major concern of mine.
Actually Grace's age as well as the start of term have been pointed out to me before. I thought I had changed it, but obviously I did not. I'll have to go fix those right away so that they are not overlooked again. Nobody should be subjected to math. Thanks for pointing that out (and Grace is 16, though I expect that you figured that out already).
I'm glad you are interested in Grace. Some of her more obvious flaws are revealed as the story begins to progress, beginning in the next chapter. There's also an explanation as to why Grace doesn't use a wand later on. You are right though, at this point in the story her character does border cliche. She's far from perfect, though it may not be very obvious yet.
When Grace picks up the first year, it is supposed to indicate some social issues that she has. That doesn't become more obvious until she begins interacting with other people for significant periods of time.
I'm glad you found at least some of this interesting. Hopefully that means I'm headed in a decent direction! :)
Thank you so much for your help (as it was very helpful)!