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Review:patronus_charm says:
Here for the review swap!

I really liked the description in this as I found it very sensual so I could really imagine it happening to me. Also it really created a good opening by easing the reader as you gradually opened up your main character more and more through it and it was a nice technique.

The mystery in this chapter was really great. It definitely raised a lot of questions such as what exactly does she have to do with the Death Eaters, what’s her background and why does she know too much about Malfoy Manor. All of these things will make the reader want to read on and having suspense in the first chapter is always a good idea in my opinion. Then the Holy Grail – that was a great mix of magic and muggle.

I thought the Death Eaters were also characterised well and the mixture of prominent and less prominent ones was nice and I hope you continue to explore their character.

If I can just give a couple of CCs. In these three sentences ‘Some of my hair pooled onto the floor while the rest had been caught under the metal collar around my throat. My neck itched from the strands of hair stuck to it from the sweat and the humidity in the room. If my calculations were right, it was mid-July. My fourth month here. ‘ you used my quite a lot so perhaps vary it up by omitting it now and then. It will make it more effective with the change of it. Then I found the paragraphs a little longer than usual making it harder to concentrate so perhaps splitting them up will help it a little.

Also we never found out your MCs first name only her surname and to connect to her more it might be nice to include it here.

Just a few things to clear up really, but other than that I thought it was a really great first chapter!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hi there!

Sorry this is a little late :/

Thank you so much for the review and I'm glad you liked it!! I did take note of what you said and have made sure I split my paragraphs up a bit more because a few more people have said that they're a teeny bit large *ah* Also, I'll be watching out for those pesky repetitions!

Thank you for the lovely review,

bella :)


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