Hey there, here with your review! Sorry about the slight delay with it too, NaNo really does take over my life :P
Remember to give each chapter one final read through, often leaving it a day and then looking over it again is a good idea because otherwise your word order can be a bit off and you may miss out some words like here – ‘And you want to train me, to control said wolf, to bond with it, so that I can turn into this wolf completely and when and when I will not turn into this wolf. And then you want me to fight with you?"’ where you repeated and when (may be done on purpose, so sorry if it is) and it should be the wolf instead of said wolf as it just flows better. Really just a few minor changes which can be picked up in a final read through :)
The mixture of canon into this with Lyall and then into Grace’s job was really interesting and great. The way you’re now developing the backstory and relating it to others makes me feel a lot less confused than in some of the other chapters, and I appreciated that as it was really interesting too.
Looking at the first scene like you wanted me to, I really didn’t find it awkward at all, but very informative and exciting actually with the way Grace wants to help Remus. There were a few spelling mistakes and typos which have made it a little awkward too read at time, but the actual content of it was really good.
I also only noted one case of Grace swearing in that section, and I thought it was really effective as it emphasised the point a lot. I think if it had been anymore it would have been foul, but here it just added rather than took away. In the later sections again, you managed to rein it in and it fitted with her situation and feeling. So there really is nothing to worry there. Though I do feel in the beginning of the section with Dumbledore it was overdone, perhaps just one or two swear words, because I think Dumbledore would be quite an imposing figure you almost wouldn’t want to swear in front of him.
Small comment, but the whole idea of including the time and date in each section is really great.
The section with Dumbledore was handled well. I do believe that it was fitting for the relationship he had with her as he confided several things in her which he wouldn’t normally have done, like with Harry really, and learning all about Lyall’s views about werewolves was really heart-breaking and just made me want to hit him or something. The only thing I would improve there is perhaps when Dumbledore is telling the story, break up with some description such as facial description, how Grace is feeling because it was a lot of dialogue without it and it will make it better.
Overall I thought this was a really great and interesting chapter! I hope you find some use in this review too :)
Author's Response: Hello!
Don't worry, I never mind waiting :).
Ah, I had missed the repetition. It was not intentional so thank you for pointing that out. Often when I am going over chapters, I don't give myself some time in between, so waiting a day may be a good idea. It will give me a chance to look at this with "fresh" eyes.
I'm glad you liked the part with Lyall. I am trying to pull some firm cannon into the story as it is a very strong AU, and I want it to be easier to relate to.
Perhaps that the first scene just needs some editing as far as spelling and grammar goes. Something about it just didn't seem right to me, so I'm very grateful that you took a look at that for me.
Yes, perhaps her swearing is a bit too much when it comes to Albus. You are right, even in their relationship, perhaps Grace probably should not have been swearing so much.
Don't hit Lyall! Though he may deserve it, he was entirely in the wrong :(. I also did not think of breaking up the dialogue but it is a very good idea as it IS quite lengthy.
This was great, I'll have to make some more revisions :). Thank you so much!