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Review:patronus_charm says:
You might just want to check your links next time as it led me to my review thread for some reason :P It was no problem for me, itís just it might land you into trouble if you rate it but itís the incorrect rating :)

I feel as if there were quite a few cases where the description could have been really great but wasnít due to lack of development. One example of this was describing Lilyís favourite book and spot to sit, as these are her favourite things, one would assume that she would be gushing with things to say about them, thus expressing why it was like that so that could be one place to include. Then others include it being springtime and her dislike for James as they were stated quite powerfully but werenít backed up with description which made it not as awesome as it could be, but with just a sprinkle of it, it could be miles better!

The attention to detail in this one-shot was great from making the plot concordant to start to finish and then the way you changed Jamesís dialogue when he was eating a biscuit. Just those little things, that attention to detail essentially, is what raised the story from what it could have been and itís something hard to come across at times.

I thought you handled their relationship well too. I liked the way Lily was still trying to deny her liking him at the beginning but when he brought out the cooking she couldnít resist like any other girl and it was just so cute. My favourite part was watching her battle with the mention about him wanting to marry her as that made me chuckle as I really didnít know what her answer was going to be.

This line was like cute heave ĎLily could still taste the sugary tea on his lips. Ď

I did feel the ending was bordering on a little too over the top, so perhaps instead of James picking her up and kissing her passionately as theyíve only just got over their hate for one another, they have just kiss on the lips nothing more as that will make the story even more concordant.

Your grammar was good on the whole, there were just a few cases of your dialogue related grammar being a bit off, which is fine as itís so hard to grapple with! One thing I would advise for that is either look at the tutorials on the forums for it as they are really good or visit the quick betas section and get someone there to look it over as they can help you with a lot more detail than I can.

This one-shot really did cheer me up though!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Sorry about the link, don't know what happened there:/

Thank you so much for this review, it's really helpful! I agree with you: detail isn't exactly a strength of mine so I'll just work harder on that. As for the ending, I definitely thing you're right and I will edit that in a bit.

Thanks again!:)


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