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Review:Cavell says:
Hi again! Anyway, I'm glad to see you threw us straight into the story, which meant that this was a quick read. There was, however, a little spelling mistake in the third sentence -- you spelled tilting wrong, but that's a quick fix. Again, the pacing of the chapter is a little odd, but I think you're already aware of that. Also, I would have liked a bit of background or set-up when we start the chapter -- we don't know Anne and Grace are in Noctars or what Noctars even is until a few paragraphs later. Your dialogue's very good right now, which I'm pleased to see since it's an important part of the story too, but I would have loved a little bit of description and imagery of where the characters are.

The introductions were definitely a little smoother this time around, so well done! Especially when it came to Gretchen -- it all sounded very naturally there. Also, I loved how we finally got to know a little bit about Grace's history! ;D Gretchen's message was just so ominous, though... it makes you really fear for Grace's fate. One thing I noticed though was one moment Grace was speaking English perfectly and the next she starts connecting words and saying 'hafta' and 'prolly'. Of course, this happens in real life, but it's a little sudden here and would have been a lot easier to take in if she'd been speaking like that since the beginning of the chapter.

I loved the sorting! Grace, naturally, makes a wonderful first impression xD McGonagall as well was very in character and brought a sense of familiarity to the whole thing. And baby Marauders! We don't see much of them in that scene but I just love seeing all the canon characters so young and cute. You told me you knew the third scene was a mess so I won't comment on it since you've probably heard it all, except to say Grace's cursing was a bit abrupt. You also didn't mention what year the boys were actually in -- I guessed they were first years at first but then you talk about the whole animagi thing which just confused me. I thought all the canon characters were very much in character though, and the whole thing where Remus freaks out when she hugs him just amused me :')

All in all, aside from a few things here and there, I did enjoy reading this, so thanks for requesting and feel free to re-request, of course!

--Linn

Author's Response: Yay! Thanks for coming back to help!

Yes, the pacing is something I'll definitely have to work on as well as some additional descriptors. Imagery and descriptions are areas that I seem to struggle in.

I hadn't thought of adding information about the setting in the first scene. Now that you point it out I realize that it is a fantastic idea to avoid confusion. The inconsistencies in Grace's speech I had overlooked completely, so thank you for pointing that out.

I have realized that I have made a huge error. Somewhere along the lines in this particular rewrite of the chapter I lost some critical information. Grace is 16 and it is the marauders sixth year at Hogwarts. I'm not sure if I had mentioned that Grace could not attend Hogwarts until after she had graduated Noctars or not either. They "why" part of that doesn't come into play until later though. Sorry about the confusion!! :(

The revelation of her age kind of explains Grace's language, although it seems I overdid it. This is especially true in the next chapter :(. I'm working on fixing it, toning it back a bit.

Yay for cannon! That was something I was definitely stressing over. Though, I do still need to come back and work on James a bit, I think.

Because of the strong AU in the story, I've been trying to pepper background information through the story so that it is not too overwhelming. I'm not sure if it working or not :).

Thanks again for helping!

-Rumpel


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