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Review:GingeredTea says:
Erm I want to preface this by saying that apparently you aren't allowed to use certain words, even if they are PART of other words, so please excuse my us of *s. LOL

I feel like you really started to delve into the story in this chapter - like maybe you had gotten into the mood or knew the characters better or that the other chapters were 'set up' chapters and this is where you begun to really WANT to write this story, because your writing changed and became much more...intense/realistic and the flow is much better here. There are still some mistakes - I'd really recommend a beta for you (although those seem impossible to come by), because it isn't necessarily spelling/grammar mistakes that I'm seeing, but missing words or the arrangement of words - which might be harder for you to catch yourself. Here is an example: "Pressing her lips together, Lily continued to a*s*sess visually her. Grace was flashing her a most convincing smile, and Lily eventually returned it slightly."

Great sentence, except I think you meant "Lily continued to visually a*ss*ess her." OR "Lily continued to a*s*sess her visually." A beta could point these alternatives out and let you choose.

Here is one more: "Furthermore, not much is really known about them other than that it s [YOU MEANT: other than that is is/other than it's] their duty to destroy dark creatures and beings."

I've only ever worked with a beta once (years and years and years ago) but it really helped me with my writing and it was a great way for me to spot these things and strengthen how I arranged things. If you find a really great beta they can keep tr*ack of all the events/people/things in your story's world and maybe help with that feeling of information overload I was talking about last chapter.

I won't go into extreme detail or fall into my own beta mode right now, since this is just review tag and I feel awkward bombarding people with ideas about their stories/questions when they haven't specifically asked like in a review thread. :)

Oh man, the scene with Lily, the next day with Remus. And Severus. You did a brilliant job. I THINK I might be over the information overload. :D

Can't wait to catch you again.

Author's Response: Hello!

Oh, it just warns us that there are disallowed words present but will still let you post. I didn't realize it until I cracked a joke on the forums about not being able to use the word "assure" and somebody told me :).

You know, the first two chapters had so much information and have had to be rewritten so many times that after a while they became less fun. They focus almost strictly on introducing characters and plot. Here is when I can finally start to play with the characters.

I actually snagged myself a beta, which means that I should have the pesky errors taken care of soon :). Thank you for taking the time to point them out to me though, I had missed them!

I'm glad you think that things are starting to come together though. I still need to do some work on these posted chapters but the story itself is becoming easier to write as I get further into it. The first two chapters, especially, as I expect they are a major turn-off!

-Rumpel


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