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Review:lia_2390 says:
Hello! It's Lia from TGS here with your review for our swap :)

Your opening line made me smile. Human beings cannot even begin to understand what that really means. It's a question I asked myself a lot as a teenager, and over the years I became rather cynical about it (however, that's another story for another day). You also addressed a lot of the things people say they feel, but in retrospect, may not make any sense. There's an article about it knocking around somewhere on the internet too.

Admittedly, I used to be one of those cowards who couldn't say it either. It made my tongue feel heavy. I'd have to mean it. So, I like that you had her spell it out as opposed to saying it. Obviously there's something there that still stings, and by the end of the story, it could be resolved.

I found that some parts of your opening chapter were a bit repetitive. If you do mention or describe something in detail, then there's no need to state it explicitly. I tend to do this a lot too. One example of what I mean is from this line:

It makes you feel nervous and doubt yourself. And at the same time it makes you feel whole and right. Basically it is a jumble of confusion.

At some points it does tend to be a bit jumpy. For example, with Rose and Albus in the kitchen, first they are exchanging pleasantries, then one is yelling and the other has tears welling up in her eyes. I suggest that at the mention of Scorpius's name, you allude to something that has happened between them, or to him. Something that makes the mere mention of contact with him brings tears to her eyes, without giving too much away. You can even show this with Al's body language as she meets him at the door. Some guilt, perhaps? Compare it to how he usually is, this can then create a sense of foreboding with Rose as well as the reader. Try to show what's going on there more than only telling us.

At the end of it, I'm not getting much of who Rose is. I get bits and pieces of feelings. I realise there is some past angst about Scorpius as you've mentioned it. I know more about Al than I do about her.

I hope this didn't come off as overly critical...actually, I really hope it is helpful. I do believe this story has a lot of potential and as your summary suggests, a lot of tears and laughter along the way.

:)

Lia

Author's Response: The opening chapter...I actually wrote the first little bit way before I wrote the rest so I knew parts of it didn't seem to come together but I didn't know which parts.

Your review didn't come out too critical at all. It was very helpful. Sometimes when you write something and you keep reading and staring at the words you can't really tell what can be improved or how. This is why I love getting feedback from someone else's eyes. It helps. Thank you for pointing out some of those major things. I will have to look over and edit this chapter and will definitely look back to this review as a guide.

Again thanks. :)
~Sama


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