Cannons! :) I'm back! (You must be so bugged of me by now :P) Anyway, I've been wanting to read this ever since you reviewed 'Myrtle' and told me that it inspired you to write this. I couldn't believe that my work had such a great influence on someone, and that review made my day. Seriously! I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. I've been so busy!
Now, onto the review! Your story was just so SO powerful. I haven't read many stories revolving George and angst, probably because I tend to stay away from stories that focus on Fred's death. I'm still not over it. I've always felt so bad for George. It's difficult to lose a family member, but Fred was so much more to George. They shared such an amazing bond, and his death was extremely tragic.
You've done a great job of writing this in second person. Not many stories are written that way, and I don't know if you've done this before, but I can say that you've mastered it perfectly!
I also enjoyed the way you've written this. It's so stylistic and lyrical. I think you've done a great job, especially by adding the refrain- 'Tick-tock...' It was so powerful and rhythmic.I loved it.
I like how this story didn't really follow a story line or plot, but simply focused on George and his emotions. You've done great justice to his feelings of extreme grief and bereavement.
I found a few errors here and there, but I see that you've gotten it beta'd already. Maybe it's just something you both missed. A read through should solve your problems :)
For example, One moment you were duelling side by side, fighting for a cause, as you had always hoped (INSERT COMMA HERE) the next your twin falls, dead before his chin smashes in-to (no need to hyphenate) the concrete.
Gosh that is such a minor thing, I feel stupid for pointing it out.
"You are times prisoner."- This line was amazing. I loved how it just pulled me in, like a trap. It goes well with the emotion and sentiment of the piece. Just one thing- it should be 'time's'. There's an apostrophe.
"They see him in you, but he is gone, and time marches on. "
^Another line I absolutely loved. It made me feel so sad and hollow. I think that being able to evoke such emotion in a reader is a mark of a great writer.
Towards the end though, I felt this duality where I found it both realistic and not very realistic at the same time. While I thought that George's emotions were realistic, for he had lost his twin, I felt that there was something off about how he kept wondering who would crack the jokes and make things fun. I know that Fred was often portrayed as the funnier of the two, but George was no less really. And he was completely aware of that, so maybe he would have wished for death to have taken him instead, but I doubt he'd question his own abilities in this regard. Maybe if he'd wondered if he'd ever find anyone to joke with, or if he'd ever feel like cracking jokes again, would have been a little more realistic. But that's just it to me. Many people might not agree with me here. it's just an opinion :)
You went back to drawing comparisons, to give the notion that George is caged and has lost his freedom. The phrase 'prisoner in his own mind' really stood out. Once again, it made me feel. It's brilliant.
There's another phrase where you've said 'but the smallest things set you of'. It should be off, not of :)
I would say that this has the most perfect ending ever. It tugged on my heart. Seriously. The last paragraph was so SO beautiful. It was sort of bittersweet almost. It rounded everything up nicely and I'm glad that you made it a point to show that the other's hadn't forgotten or moved on too easily.
Your story is amazing. I'm so glad I chose to read this, and if Myrtle really brought it on, I feel so proud. Of you, of course. For taking on all that angst and turning it into this lovely one-shot! I would really like to read more of your work sometime :)
Author's Response: LOOK. I'm going to be honest I have not responded to this awesome review because I don't know how to! It just amazing.
I'm like seriously intimidated by the humungous wall of text above, I don't know where to start!
The fact that you thought it was powerful is great, that's what I was hoping for and the fact that you think I've mastered second person perfectly in this just AHSWIhsaeph iksj !!
Thanks for pointing out the errors, I will try and edit them in at some point.
I just thought that death really messes with your head, emotions and impacts massively in your life that he would feel uncertain of himself in probably every aspect of his life now that he doesn't have Fred including the jokes and stuff. I feel it would be unrealistic if he didn't question himself.
Seriously the fact that you think the endings perfect *high 5* :D
Thanks so much for leaving this massive review, it was so helpful and flattering :D