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Review:randomwriter says:
Alishya :) Hello! You've done so much for me and it's only fitting that I help you out and leave you a review. You'd said in your Author's Note that you lost confidence and took this down. Don't feel discouraged. You should always be proud of your work, no matter what people say. You've put in so much effort and hard work into writing something, and as long as you love it, you should be happy with it. Nobody can take that away from you :)

Okay, now that I've gotten that bit out of the way, I must warn you that I do include a fair bit of critique in my reviews sometimes, but that isn't meant to discourage you. Please don't assume anything! I'm only here to help.

I really liked the idea behind this story. There is something appealing about reading a story revolving around a 'missing moment'. I'm glad you chose this moment because it was one of those actions that really made a huge difference to the trio, their relationship and the story, of course. I think Ron slightly matured after this, in fact :P

Your characterisation of Ron was pretty good, except in a couple of places. There were two bits where I believed that he didn't fit in with canon Ron. His thoughts seemed a little... well, not like himself. But apart from that, you've handled his thoughts and emotions really well.

I think the story flows well too. There's no odd point which perhaps shouldn't have been there or something else like that. However, there were a lot of grammatical errors that can hamper a reader's experience. I'll point out a couple, but I suggest you get someone to beta read this? If you just need some help (or some beta reading by someone without experience :P), I would be happy to help you, if you'd like.

Okay, so I found that you'd confused you tenses here and there in a few places (has/had, made/make, etc were interchanged). And some words were contextually incorrect (for ex. You'd probably be better off calling Fleur Bill's newly wedded wife, in stead of new-found wife, as the latter usually refers to discoveries and inventions). There were some sentences I'd consider re-phrasing because they were slightly odd.

Another example- He removed the horcrux, and he remembered as he left, her heard Hermioneís distant cry and plead for him.- Hermione's distant cries and pleas for him. Or how about- "He had removed the horcrux and just left them behind, but he could still hear Hermione's distant cries and pleas pounding in his ears."

Okay, I won't point out anything else. But I'm certain you could make the corrections yourself after a quick read through. Having spoken to you, I'm sure you're capable of it :) If you really need some help, you could get it beta'd. Now, as I said, please don't feel discouraged. Your story is still great and I love your idea behind it. I think a little more description would enhance the flow and make it better. Over all, I really enjoyed this, and I'm happy I read it, but I think that it would benefit from an edit. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, Alishya, but I'm only pointing these things out so that you can make your story better! If you just edit it, let me tell you, you have a great story here! :)

Author's Response: Ah! Hey Adi! :D

Thank you for your wonderful critique. I know - I have to go back and edit... I still plan to, just focused on other things right now. :)

And I feel that I brought this up and left it the way it was because I want to look back on this and see how far I came (If I ever improve) - like stepping stones.

Again I still might come back and edit but as of now, I'll just leave this be. ^_^

I'm glad you like the unfilled moments too, because I enjoy writing it because it gives me a lot of muse as to how far I can take things. (n.n)


I'll not take down my stories again. I'll leave em be this time. ;)

And I'll try not to get discourage so much. (Forgive me I have a bit of a self-esteem issue but yeah.)

Thank you so much for your compliments, your support, and for reading and reviewing and it's no problem that I help you! =D I'm always be happy to help!


- Asphodel


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