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Review:toomanycurls says:
I'm in yer novels, reading and reviewing

I'm a pretty big Sirius/OC fan so I might go all rabid fangirl on you. Don't judge me.

First bit of awesome - I might have skirted past reviewing this before because your first chapter is more than 5k words. After reading it though I feel a bit foolish for that. This was a pleasant read and didn't feel like I was reading something super long. ^_^

I really love Melanie's introspection on her father's view of purebloods and everyone else. I kind of hope that's a theme for something she struggles with (I mean, having a father who is racist against their own child's ancestry is a bit harsh). I didn't quite get a sense of time that Charlotte were in the train alone before Amanda popped in. It seems a bit strange for them to learn that their parents are both pureblood maniacs right off the bat. In my head it seems like a random thing to say straight away. Maybe a bit of detail on how that came up would be good.

I like the conflict Melanie has about which house she'll be in. I would like to see more background on why she doesn't feel Slytherin would be a good house though. I mean, with the rhetoric her family preaches it doesn't seem like the first thing she'd do is not want to fit into their world view.

Reading the newspaper and discussing Volde-shorts does seem a little grown up for this lot. I could imagine on person having an interest in the news but their discussion of Voldemort and murder is a bit out of what seems like average 11-year old speak. Amanda's spiel on Voldemort's aims also seem a little advanced for her age. At that age range kids just kind of parrot their parents believes but are probably not able to articulate a succinct overview of the Dark Lord's stance. It might be good to tone down the level/maturity of their discussion or explain why they all have such well articulated thoughts on muggle/pureblood relations.

Are 11 year old boys seen as handsome by anyone but their mothers? ^_^ I mean, most kids that age are a bit oblivious to the idea of cute and attractiveness. He could be confident looking or something that would turn into handsome as the years go by.

I really like your sorting hat description. Melanie's apprehension at being put in Gryffindor is really well done. It's too bad that she didn't take a risk on being a Lion. Amanda's sadness at being sorted into Slytherin was so heartbreaking! :( I hope she finds her place there.

You do a great job setting up the Slytherin versus Gryffindor rivalry. I think it's too bad that they don't retaliate more. It kind of makes Gryffindors sound a bit bully-ish.

Dun dun dun! Fast forward. :D

In the beginning of the story Melanie sounded on the fence (leaning towards non-bigotry). What pushed her to the non-bigot side (especially in Slytherin)? I love how she feels as if she's lying to her family about her true thoughts. ^_^ very good drama

^_^ Having Sirius reinserted near the end of the chapter is great. It reminds the reader that this is a romance with him as the star. I really like how you built up the relationships between Melanie and her friends. You've set up a great foundation for a long novel. :D

Author's Response: Hi there! Aw, thanks for this long and thoughtful review!

That's very true, I never really considered how the length of the first chapter might put people off. :-/ Well, I'm glad it didn't seem too long, at least! :p

The pureblood thing came up right away in Melanie and Charlotte's conversation because Charlotte thought it was important.

Melanie's unease about being in Slytherin mostly came from realising that her father might not be right about everything, as she began to form a friendship with Lily (a muggle-born) on the train. And, to answer your question from the end of your review, that's what helped push her to the "non bigot side". So... maybe I should edit most of this chapter and make that clearer, lol!

Yeah, the Voldemort discussion does seem really too mature for them. I wrote this chapter over 6 years ago and things have always seemed sort of off about it, so I will definitely go back and edit that conversation about Voldy to make it a bit more realistic! Good point about Sirius as well, I'll change that part too :p

Well, at that point, as freshly sorted Slytherins who don't really quite understand their place yet, they don't retaliate a lot. Don't worry though, they do grow out of that phase :p

Thank you so much for this review, you've definitely been helpful in pointing out the things I should fix about this chapter, I appreciate it! Thanks for taking the time to read and review! ♥


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