Hi, I’m here with your review!
I found Carolyn’s narration too mixed for me. At times she was almost humorous in situations which weren’t entirely appropriate such as talking about her mother’s death, and then in other times such as talking about what she had to do as a leader too serious when it would be better to alter those narration moods.
One thing to consider is to perhaps go into greater depth about how the country ruling system works. Like the Chancellor thing, are you basing that off how Germany is run with a Chancellor reporting to the president or is it like in the UK where they control the money. Then the dual-government system which I didn’t really get either. I can tell this is an integral part of the story so perhaps revising it and including greater clarity and detail about it so we can understand more.
I liked Marielle she seemed really bright and cheery and I look forward to seeing their relationship develop throughout the story. I can’t help but wonder whether they’ll be a happy sister relationship or whether jealously will appear between them. Then the bit about Chancellor Evans and the same colour hair. Perhaps she’s a closer relation than a cousin? Hmm, interesting to ponder.
Their reaction to Hogwarts really made me chuckle, as they just seemed to be so confused. I wonder how Carolyn is going to get involved with George though that. It will be interesting to see what happens there with Marielle and how she will link in. One thing to consider adding in is their ages so I can place them in comparison with the Weasleys and co.
I would advise another read through of this story to make sure that your tenses are correct because I noticed in several areas such as here ‘The royal animal is a peacock. ‘ and ‘yeah, I live in a castle, that’s part of being a queen’ you slipped into present tense when the rest of it was in past tense, another quick read through of it should eliminate those errors.
I hope that this review wasn’t too harsh and of some use to you, as it is off to a good start.
Author's Response: Hello!
Hmm... I don't really know what to do about that. I just tried to convey that Carolyn had, well, not *gotten over* her mother's death, but realized that it had to happen (Marielle was born as a result). The humor that I think you're talking about is when she says the death wasn't specific? I really tried to make that seem as though she realized the position she was in, explaining the death of a Queen, and tried to explain that no, her mother was not assassinated. But, as you're getting mixed signals on that, I will definitely rework that.
The leader bits were serious because I tried to make it seem as though she doesn't like her job? She thinks being a queen is a burden, so I didn't really want to make her sound happy about her duties, but, again, I will rework this because it obviously didn't come off the way I planned...
I will definitely go into detail on the monarchy/government system in that rewrite, so thanks for pointing it out. Basically, a government. Chancellor Evans is a fixed part of that government and is there as the queen's adviser most days, or has a personal assistant to do so. The queen has to sign every document passed by parliament though, so that it is truly passed. I will definitely explain that though!
Marielle is so cute, isn't she? I adore her! And Chancellor Evans, sorry to disappoint, is only a cousin. Although that does seem like an intriguing concept :)
I tried to place the ages in comparison to the Weasleys in the overall summary, as I mention that Carolyn is 19 and George is 21, which is roughly two years after the final battle (so this is set in 2000 if I'm not mistaken). I will try and insert that into the chapter though.
The tense things I cringe at. I hate typos, so as soon as NaNo is over and I have time to freak out over my typos, I will definitely change those!
And thank you so much for your time, this wasn't too harsh in the least! In fact, it was very helpful and I appreciate it so much!