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Review:patronus_charm says:
Hello, Iím here with your requested review!

I thought that the way you began the chapter was really good, with some really lovely description of the first day back and the excitement that went with it. I also really got to know and connect a little with Mary in that section, and as I assume she is going to be the main character of the story, it was nice to establish the relationship early on.

Then in the next two section it was either quite a lot of dialogue or quite a lot of description, so the lack of variety there could be improved a little by perhaps mixing them up a little so itís not just dialogue or just description. It will also help us connect Maryís thoughts about them more actively with the person meaning that it will engage readers more and keep their interest up.

The mixture of the girlís personalities and backgrounds was really good though. Iím sure itís bound to make for a more interesting read with the great dynamics they all have. Two are standing out to me so far. Mary, obviously, but she has this really nice quality about her and itís making me want to know more about her as sheís quite quiet at the moment. Then Mafalda as sheís one of the most boisterous ones. However, I canít really tell whether this will prove to be annoying or not.

The slight change in Lilyís characterisation with her making appear not to be the nicest of people was great too. I love it when people mix up her characterisation as I hate to see her as the one who is loved by all and flawless so it will be interesting to see how this progresses.

I do have to agree, that the first half of the chapter is rather on the slow, but hopefully if you mixed it up a little it will get rid of that problem. Then the second half was a lot better in terms of pacing with the altercation Mary had with that Slytherin and some slight tension between Lily and the others. My only CC for that area would be perhaps to expand the scene when Mary crashes into the Slytherin with maybe a little more reaction, because it was already really great but if you did that it could be even better.

Other than that, I think youíre off to a good start it just needs a few tweaks :) I hope you find some use from this review!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hey! Sorry for the late response with this. I don't know why it took me so long to get around to it!! I have appreciated your comments immensely though!

I think I sometimes fall into that a little where I'll get into the dialogue for a bit too long and forget to continue with the description and narration and balance things out. That would probably smooth the story out quite a lot if I were to focus more on that. Thank you for pointing that out, it is good to know what someone else sees that as well.

The dynamics are my favourite bit to write about this. I love writing the three of them as they are all quite different. I really like Mafalda as a character and I don't think she'll end up being annoying. He's a bit boisterous, but I think Florence brings that out in her. Florence on the other hand, i think she'll either be loved or hated. As the story continues I think people will understand her more, but she has the ability to drive everyone mental. I've really liked using Mary as the main character (you are right when you say that). I hope she continues to be relatable in her own little way.

Lily. I am always a little annoyed when she comes off as this perfect saint or her biggest flaw is that she eats a lot of drops things. I think any story would be more interesting if we saw a character grow into the woman who was willing to give her life for her child (i think many mothers would do this). But I want Lily to go through a lot in this story and she has to grow up quite a bit too. I hope i can keep bits of what we know about her still in the story, but also introduce her to be a more rounded character. We'll see how it works.

Yah, i'm thinking as well i'll have to change that scene up a little to draw in readers. It is quite quick, though it is fairly important. I think i sometimes like to keep things subtle for too long which makes the writing seem slower and slightly boring.

Thank you so much for your review! I definitely found it helpful and i'll be looking over this chapter soon to make it work better!


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