Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:adluvshp says:
Hi! Here for your requested review from the forums!

This seems like a very interesting story and I liked this opening chapter. The plot seems to be intriguing and I am curious to see the direction this heads in. I liked the way you have written Carolyn's thoughts, she sounds likeable and relatable even though she's a "queen" which is good.

I also liked how you put in little details regarding the island and the governance and a bit about Carolyn's family in here without it coming across as extra background information. It fit right in with the narrative which was good.

The only constructive criticism I'd like to give you is to perhaps include more description of the settings and appearances - more imagery (though not necessarily vivid) - that can help readers visualise the events. I understand everyone has a different writing style so in fact it is okay if you don't have that many descriptions in the later chapters of the story, but I believe that the first chapter of a story should always set the scene and to do that, the writer needs to provide some heavier than usual descriptions.

For instance, you could describe the office Carolyn sits in, the way she looks, the way Chancellor Evans looks, the expressions and emotions going through her and her cousin, in more detail. This can be done in simple ways by directly incorporating them into the main content. For example, Chancellor Evans smiled at me and her bright green eyes sparkled. The content stays the same and yet we get an inkling of how the person looks - their eye colour anyway. Similarly, you could do it for the surroundings and Carolyn herself.

Of course, those are merely suggestions so feel free to take them or ignore them =) Besides that, I don't have any CC for you except for a tiny grammar error I noticed in the last sentence that said "--tutoring to private school with be void." which I believe should be "--would/will be void."

I quite liked this chapter and I am excited to see more of Carolyn as well as how she deals with her sister going to Hogwarts, and how she meets George. Your writing style is neat and the pace of this chapter was fine. The narrative flowed smoothly and it made for a nice read. This first chapter was definitely well-written as it makes me want to read further, so please feel free to re-request.

I hope I didn't come across as too harsh. You have a great plot here and pretty good talent so keep writing!

8/10
Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks so much for taking the time to review this!

I'm glad you like the plot and even happier that you think Carolyn's relatable.

Description is actually a problem I have frequently, so I will definitely take your suggestions to heart. I have trouble deciding what to focus on, so this really helped! Thank you!

The typo I will take care of as well. Thank you for pointing it out because I *totally* missed that :)

Also, you didn't come across as harsh at all. Everything was extremely useful and thank you for saying that I have talent. I'm blushing... *aggressive blushing ensues*

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review this! It means a lot and, as I said before, is really helpful!

Lo :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 223
Submit Report: